Since I started writing this blog, I’ve had several people message me with kudos of how brave, inspiring, strong, etc. I was being for sharing my story…and for being so honest and vulnerable. I’m not sure I have a choice. I’ve been waiting a very, very long time to step into my own skin and “let the words fall out”.
We all have disappointments…secrets…failures. We’ve all done – or had things done to us – that we aren’t proud of…that we bury down deep in hopes that they won’t tarnish the near perfect exterior we work so hard to present to the world. I had a dear friend visit my home when I was with husband #1, and after we split, she said that walking into my house was like visiting a TV set. Everything had its place and was perfectly presented, but there was nothing behind it..nothing alive. It’s true. The near perfect exterior was a cover to hide the real mess inside. But what’s wrong with a mess? We can agree that life is messy, right? And if we are out there living – I mean really living! – we’re gonna get messy too, aren’t we? Mistakes are going to happen. And that’s awesome – that’s how we learn and grow!
When I first started toying with the idea of leaving my job, there was this underlying excitement that started building. It wasn’t at the thought of being free from email…or conference calls…or airports. (Although those were lovely thoughts.) It was at the prospect of being able to be ME. Of being able to say what I wanted to say….to do what I wanted to do…without the worry of whether I’d be accepted or judged. This coming from someone that on the outside probably didn’t look like she really worried about what other people thought. C’mon now, I’m human…Plus, as a little girl, I yearned for the love of my father. A man who told me that he “hated” me (his word, not mine). That’ll leave a mark on the psyche and change how you look at the world…and yourself…for a very long time. It took years…I mean YEARS…for me to come to terms with this and how pervasive this feeling of being unworthy was in my life.
Therapy got me a good distance down the road of understanding that it wasn’t my fault. That I didn’t do anything to deserve his rejection and hatred. He was dealing with his own demons that had nothing to do with me…I was just a trigger…or obstacle…or in the line of fire.
Yoga grounded me and opened my heart so I could accept my imperfections. So I could see that we are all actually perfect in our imperfections. That we’re each uniquely human…so why do we work so hard to conform? Why hide those things that make us interesting, different, special? In sharing those nuances, we get to tell our story, show our true selves, and help each other to realize that through our differences, we have so very much in common.
My shamans are finishing out the transformation by helping me to shed the emotional trauma held deep within my body. To release the energetic wounds that served as emotional hotspots…land mines of sorts that I didn’t know how, why, or when they might be set off.
I’m not a finished product yet, by any means…I may never be. Actually, I know I’ll never be…and that’s ok. After a lot of work, I’m at a point where I love myself enough to be honest about who I am….how I got here…and where I want to go. So it’s not about being brave – not for me. It’s about finally coming into my own. Of realizing that I — just like you – deserve all the happiness and love the world has to offer. This blog is just a way for me to have a conversation with you…with myself…with the Universe. It’s how I get to tell my story and put out there what I hope to get back – love and support. If it inspires someone…anyone…to be brave enough to tell theirs – to own their story – well, then that makes me smile. 🙂
So go be bold. Be silly…and be honest. Share your story…and dance along the way. To steal the words of SB, “show me how big your brave is”.