As she rubbed my hands between hers, the first thing she blurted out was “You’re never on time, BUT you’re always where you’re always supposed to be”. Her eyes connected with mine and she gave me a sly, all-knowing smile. When Monica, the Palm Reader, first said it I thought, “Wait a minute, I’m always on time.” Punctuality is important because it shows respect for the other person. Then what she said sunk in….ahhhhh, got it.
Last year was such a crazy whirlwind year for me. It started with me turning the big 4-0 in January. Mid-year delivered a 17-week stint on the road that brought me to my knees and nearly broke my spirit. The year ended with me readying myself to leave a company I’d loved for 15 years and preparing to say goodbye to so many fantastic teammates. In between those milestones and emotions, I allowed myself to be completely vulnerable with someone I thought was hand picked for me. I created a life-long bond with four of the most amazing women I think I’ll ever meet, while seeing the chinks in other friendships that needed repair or discarded. I travelled like a rockstar with amazing friends and saw nearly every artist and band I could hope to see between Bonnaroo, Forecastle, and SXSW.
The highs were off the charts and the lows were unbearable. I felt like a pendulum wildly swinging about the mood spectrum, struggling against time to regain control and make every moment count. Everything constantly felt like it was slipping away from me…
A little less than halfway through the 17 weeks of work travel, I visited an energy healer. I was desperate to cease what had become non-stop crying that I seemed to have limited ability to control. As she sat with me she said my energy was “grasping”. I was grasping. I was grasping to hold on to The Taste…which I’m sure he could feel. Talk about an unattractive energy! I was grasping for my friends….to be home…for strength…for guidance…and most desperately, I was grasping for time.
Time. It felt like sand sifting through open fingers. I couldn’t stop it…slow it down….or ever get it back. I’m sure it was the subconscious impact of turning 40. Of realizing that I’d hit the halfway milestone and, at the rate things were moving, fearing how quickly the next 40 would pass. I felt like I had squandered my 30s with two failed marriages, misplaced priorities, and a lack of accountability to myself. I was late figuring out what I wanted – what was really important. Actually, I felt more than late. I felt as if I’d missed the opportunity to have a family because I’d been so focused on my career. I was grasping for time…love…for the ability to just breathe.
When I turned 40, I set the intention to have a midlife opportunity, not a midlife crisis. As I look back, maybe it was just semantics because there was certainly plenty of crisis, but the ultimate result was an opportunity to refocus and repurpose my life…clearly an opportunity.
The feeling of grasping passed with my 41st birthday – thank gawd. Maybe it was knowing that things would be dramatically different going forward…maybe it was closing the door on 40 and all the chaos it brought…maybe it was the realization that I can still do and have anything I want…and I will. I don’t know the cause but I’m thankful for the understanding that while I might not be on time as it relates to the traditional timing of finding love and having a family…I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be.
Thank you, Monica, for bringing that to the forefront of my mind so early in this journey. It’s nice to have some breathing room again.
Day 2 in Key West. 🙂