Thanks to an incredibly insightful gift from my friend, Jill (she’s kind of a big deal), I’m reading The Pilgrimage by Paulo Coelho on my vacation. Such a lovely story to read as I make my way through my own pilgrimage of self discovery and realizations. Surprisingly, the book reminded me of a visit I’d made to a psychic in Indy back in January – on my birthday to be precise. In the book, Paulo is cautioned that before he can achieve his goal of finding his sword, he has to understand why he wants it. That got me thinking about my journey…my quest to find love…and of the words the psychic said to me on that chilly January day.
For almost the entire hour long session she talked to me about The Taste – so much so that it felt more like a reading for him than me. She shared the struggles she saw him facing and insights into our relationship. She saw how much we enjoyed each others company and saw that continuing, if I so chose. You see, she said “You can have him if you want him, but the choice is yours to make – not his.” Wow…that sounds simple enough right?? I mean, all I have to do is tell the Universe I want him and poof?!? But we all know that nothing is ever as simple as it sounds. As I sat with her words over the course of the next several days, I tried to ask for it. I said the words out loud but knew that I didn’t feel it in my heart. No matter how much I thought I wanted to, I couldn’t make the choice. I wasn’t ready….not yet.
Flash forward to yesterday as I sat on the pier awaiting a glorious sunset. Less than 500 feet away, a couple was saying “I do”. It was beautiful. I watched her lean in and kiss her new husband and could sense her feeling of safety and happiness…of love – not to mention see it all over her face.
In that moment it struck me that I never felt that way…not in either marriage. I never felt that I could lean into him…let down my guard…relax and be vulnerable. This wasn’t the groom’s fault – either of them. It was mine. Being vulnerable with someone requires a level of trust that I wasn’t able to muster back then. I’ve since come to understand that you can’t trust someone else until you fully trust yourself…same goes for love. I’m working on both and got closer with The Taste than any man prior so I know I’m heading in the right direction…but still, I’m not quite there yet.
Traveling down to Key West alone feels like it’s helping the progress, though. Learning to be comfortable with myself…sitting in silence while everyone around me carries on…finding solace in the solitude…it’s all moving me forward. Moving me toward the goal of finding love. To tell the Universe that I want a particular person – like The Taste – isn’t the intention I should be setting. I’m still a work in progress and don’t know what…or more importantly, who…is right for me. Instead, my focus needs to be on the characteristics that I’m seeking in a relationship.
I want to find that person that I can lean into. That I can trust will be there and able to care for me. I want to let down my guard and be vulnerable. I want to create a “superhuman” – that creation that results when two healthy individuals come together to create a union that produces something far more magnificent than the sum of their parts…something super.human. I want to laugh like a child because together we see how amazing the world is and we can’t help but giggle. I want to truly be in love with someone…with life…and with myself. A trifecta of firsts for me.
The most wild discovery I’ve made so far in the Keys…is the realization that this will happen for me. I can see it…feel it…smell it. I actually think I’ve known it for a while now. Maybe that’s why the grasping stopped…because I’ve known without a doubt that love is waiting for me. It’s waiting while I finish learning the lessons of my journey. However long it takes doesn’t matter because I won’t find it until the time is right. And that will be when I’m ready…truly ready. This is my pilgrimage of self realization…and love.
Day 3 in Key West. 🙂