Day 39: Feeling honored…proud…humbled..but doing it for myself

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I’ve started having these experiences that feel a bit surreal.  I’ll see someone out and before we know it we’re talking about something they read on my blog…telling me how it reminded them of something they experienced.  Or that they referenced something I wrote about in a conversation with someone…saying something along the lines of, “You know, it’s like what Candy said in her blog….”

Similarly, I’ve had people message me directly to share how something I wrote touched them in some way.  Maybe it struck a nerve…or provided some solace to know that they aren’t alone in their experiences…maybe it gave them hope.  I totally get this because it’s too easy to feel like you’re going it alone and just knowing that at least one other person out there has experienced something similar….and survived…or is making there way through it…helps to start or progress the healing process.

Then there are the people that I’ve never met that are following along.  I mean, I can rationalize why people I know read it.  Because you know me.  I’ve done a bit of an unexpected about face with my life and I’m giving anyone that wants to take the time to read my blog an inside view into the craziness…sadness…regrets…hopes…dreams.  I’m putting it out there and being vulnerable…no longer worried about what people may think or say about what I’m writing about…no longer worried about what people think about me.  But to have people that know nothing about me…about the old me versus the new me…well, all I can say about anyone — friend, acquaintance or stranger — reading my words…

Wow.  Every time it happens I’m floored….honored….proud…humbled.  But then I remember I’m doing this for myself.

See, I’m not writing this for you (not even this post), I’m writing every single word first for me…and if it helps or humors or clarifies something for someone else, then that’s just an added bonus.  Because I’ve had more than one person ask me if something we were doing or talking about was going to make it into the blog, I want to remind myself why I started the blog…

I’m finding my voice.  For so many years, I’ve written or spoken words for other people because it was my job or I felt like I was supposed to.  It’s been long enough that I was worried I didn’t know what my own voice sounded like….consistently anyway.  My witches and closest friends know my voice but outside of that I would start to water myself down or even hide behind personas and expectations.  It was apparent to me when an ex texted that he had heard I was leaving my job to travel and experience life and in response to this news he felt the need to share that he was proud of me because the “Candy” he knew never would have done something like that.  Right…the “Candy” he knew…that’s my point, the person that left her job to follow her heart was always there.  I just kept her hidden…sometimes even from myself.  So this blog is a way for me to consistently speak from my heart.  To document my journey as I step fully into who I am and to no longer hide myself from anyone.

I’m writing because…

I don’t want to forget a single day of this experience.  The plan is to take a year or so off to focus on myself.  To experience life on my terms untethered from the shackles of a job.  To make each day what I want and need it to be to move myself closer to my true spirit.  A year sounds like a long time but I know how quickly time flies by and how easy it is to wake up one day and realize how much time you’ve lost.  I don’t want to do that with this experience…or with life anymore.  I know what an amazing opportunity I have before me and I want to stay present.  To do so, I can’t constantly look back to try and remember anymore than I can constantly look forward in anticipation of what might happen.  I have to take each day…each moment…as it comes.  Writing daily allows me to capture what weighed most heavy on my mind or heart that day.  I’m able to remember how I felt…what I was thinking…see how I processed through something…and watch my own growth without taking energy away from the moment.  I just have to open the blog, click on a day, and read.

I’m externally motivated.  Sure I could have decided to write in a journal or even blog and kept it private.  Hidden from view.  I know myself well enough to know that there would be days when I didn’t feel like writing, so I probably wouldn’t.  And those days would probably be the days when I most need to write because it means I’m stuck on something or I’m isolating myself.  By publishing this blog and committing to write everyday, I’m holding myself accountable to meet a “public” commitment….and knowing that people are reading amps up my obligation.  I have no doubt that some are wondering how long I’ll make it before I’ll stop….I’ve wondered the same thing about myself.  It may happen.  But I hope not.

I want to be a writer.  I love the thought of writing something that people want to read.  I’ve always felt that to write, I needed something to write about or something that I knew really well…well, here it is…here I am.  I know how much books have meant to me…how much I’ve learned about myself reading other people’s stories – both fiction and non.  Having people want to read my words is a gift that I’d be honored to possess so this blog gets to serve as a test run.  Perhaps the one aspect of my purpose for writing that is bigger than me.  The great question of whether I’m good enough to capture someone’s attention with my words.  We’re all here for some divine purpose and I’m trying to figure out if writing might be a component of mine.  I read somewhere that if you want to be a writer, you have to want to write everyday – some say you have to be able to do more than want, you have to actually do it — whatever the prescription, I’ve committed to write every day for a year and so far, each day I’m wanting to do it.

I’m setting intentions.  I believe everything we say…write…do…results in an energy that we are putting out into the world.  That we are creating intentions of how we want our life to be…for good or bad.  That by our actions — including our thoughts — we manifest things to occur.  I know that everything I write is a documented intention to manifest a result somewhere in my life…either now or down the road.  So it’s teaching me to be purposeful with my words…mindful with my thoughts…selective with my actions.  I’m still working on this, but that’s the point.  I’m working on it…and by doing that…saying it…writing it…I’m putting out into the Universe that I’m a work in progress.  That I’m evolving.  And I hope that brings people into my life that are doing the same and we can help one another along our journeys.

A bonus reason for writing this blog that I learned after I started it….

It’s freeing.  Since starting the blog, I’ve learned that as I write about my struggles I’m able to let them go.  Sometimes it’s just a bit at a time which is why I write about some stuff over and over and over again…but eventually…I’m able to let go of enough bits that the weight lifts…a change occurs…growth happens.  Letting go of the things that weigh me down is the only way to make room for the things that I want to fill me up.

So, while this blog is 100% for me, learning that it’s bringing something to others — even if it’s just entertainment — makes my heart smile…and hopefully moves me closer to my purpose.

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One Response to Day 39: Feeling honored…proud…humbled..but doing it for myself

  1. terryshen says:

    You go girl. Way to be real, Candy. Keep it up.

    Like

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