Day 40: Breaking a cycle…and a free fall

ImageWe all have ruts that we get stuck in….eating at the same place…going to the same vacation spot…a dead end job…an unfulfilling relationship.  Same goes for emotional ruts — or cycles — where we keep repeating the same behavior that continues to cause emotional distress.
 
I’m an Aquarius so I love change…often just for the sake of it…and tend to shy away from ruts.  Sure, I have my favorites spots to go, eat, and vacation but even when repeating a good thing I still try to change it up a little, maybe by eating something different at the same place or staying at a new place in a familiar city.  But that’s the physical world…
 
When it comes to the emotional world, I get stuck with the best of them.  I’ve spent all of my adult life — and part of my teenage years — repeating the same emotional cycle over and over and over again.  That cycle — like most of the issues I’ve struggled with — spawned from a broken father-daughter relationship.  I habitually chose men…or rather allowed men to choose me…that were emotionally unavailable.  For whatever reason, they would pursue me until I gave in and entered into a relationship and then eventually they would begin to check out…or shut down…or wander.  I have no doubt that I — in probably a number of ways — contributed significantly to the shortcomings in the relationship but the end result was nearly always the same.  As soon as I felt the withdrawal…or caught them cheating…or lying…or whatever…I would begin looking for the next “victim” before ending the relationship.  Being alone wasn’t an option…it never had to be because…
 
I never had to look hard.  There was always another man waiting to scoop me up, offering to save me from whatever turmoil and trouble I found myself in.  Every time, I would assume their act of “saving me”…their pursuit and attention…meant that I must finally be worthy of love.  It was this feeling of worthiness I chased like a heroin addict looking for her next fix.  When it wore off in one relationship, there was always someone new waiting to provide me with the next hit.  I felt used and used each new relationship to get me out of the last so I was never truly alone…despite the fact that I was never truly with anyone either.  I was always just waiting for the end to come…always keeping an eye on the horizon for what was next.  Because I never believed I was deserving of love, it always just felt like a matter of time until they would figure that out so I needed to beat them to the punch and escape before being left.  It was such an awful way to live…but in the moment…when it was happening, it was how it had to be for me to survive on an emotional level.
 
But that cycle…that feeling of unworthiness…of having to constantly use one man to get me out of or over another is finally broken.  For the first time, I left a relationship…or rather finally dealt with the fact that a relationship was over…on my own.  Without using a new relationship as a shiny object to distract me from the failings of another.  I finally admitted there was nothing left to hang on to and I simply let go.  I didn’t grasp onto someone else to break my emotional free fall….I enjoyed the rush of the wind and the view.  I took it all in — all I have to offer — from my new perspective.  I didn’t rebound to someone else. I was…am….more than capable of taking care of and loving myself.  No more settling…no more saying “yes” just because someone asked.  I’ve established new boundaries — healthy boundaries — to protect my heart…a heart that is now…for the first time…open and accepting.  A heart that is looking for love for the right reason…because I am worthy of it.  The cycle is finally broken.
I trust there’s someone out there that will rock my world, and I his.  There may be several someones, but for the first time I have no interest in settling on the first somewhat qualified applicant to come along.  I’m more than capable of entertaining myself…in fact, I rather enjoy my own company these days.  I have wonderful friends and a delightful coven of witches, if I’m feeling lonely.  I have more time than I’ve ever had and I’m completely enjoying being by myself.  No more grasping…no more desperation…just love, light, and a splendid free fall.
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