Day 51: Brand new kinda me

I have this thing with email in boxes where I hate clutter…actually, I don’t really like clutter anywhere in my life…but especially not in my in box. The 11 draft emails caught my attention because I couldn’t remember drafting and not sending that many emails.

Upon further inspection, I found the drafts contained copies of old instant messages I’d saved off for safe keeping. They dated back several years and were between me and The Taste. I had completely forgotten they were sitting there so I did what any normal person would do….I read them…all of them.

The feeling of reading them was familiar. I’d done it before. I could remember sitting at my computer…reading the old messages…tears streaming down my face…all the emotions flooding back like it was happening in real time.

But this time was different. I was able to read the emotion…to comprehend the emotion…but I didn’t feel the emotion. I was reading these heartbreaking messages and could remember how heavy it felt to carry around all the sadness…the guilt…the feelings of not being good enough and unworthy. But not now….

Now I was reading them from the other side. I’d cut the chords to The Taste with the shamans and it worked! I was reading the messages more as an objective third party (kinda like you reading this post). I felt sad for the boy and girl so twisted up in a game that was so obviously going to end badly, regardless of either of their intent. It was so clear to me reading the words now.

As I went about my day, I kept waiting….waiting…waiting for the emotions to swell up and catch me off guard. It never happened. It’s over…I can officially close that chapter of my life and welcome forward a brand new kinda me.

“It took a long, long time to get here. It took a brave, brave girl to try. It took one too many excuses, and one too many lies. Don’t be surprised, don’t be surprised. If I talk a little louder…If I speak up when you’re wrong…If I walk a little taller, I’ve been under you too long. If you notice that I’m different, don’t take it personally. Don’t be mad. It’s just a brand new kinda me. It ain’t bad, I found a brand new kinda free.”

…the journey continues…

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