I felt like a human computer. Always analyzing all the data points. What was said…how…by whom…what were the circumstances…what about the non-verbal cues? Then I’d run all that against what I already knew to be true…similar situations…past experiences. Don’t forget that there’s a bigger picture agenda that needs to be factored in….I was constantly taking in everything I could…in every situation – work or personal…to try and arrive at the best case scenario. Trying to get the leg up on how I needed to react with enough lead time to deduce what the next two or three steps might be. It was exhausting. I was exhausted.
I spent so much time in my head that I’d lost virtually any connection to my intuition…especially in my personal life. I was so disconnected that I used mental checklists to analyze relationships. Didn’t matter if I didn’t “feel” it…it made sense on paper. Hence two divorces.
How can one person be so successful professionally and a hot mess when it comes to intimate relationships? At work, I trusted myself. I might be in my head but a lot of what I was processing was more than just facts and figures. I was taking in intuitive cues. That was my differentiator. And it worked because I allowed it to work.
The constant chatter outside of work kept me distracted from what was really happening around me. It kept me locked up inside my head. Disconnected from my intuition…not feeling my way through life, but trying to think my way through it. Enter my collarbone.
I feel like the collarbone was a higher power intervening. I was, yet again, heading down a dangerous road. I was stressed. Overworked. Exhausted. Drained. In love with someone completely unavailable. Beating myself up on a regular basis. Living a life I no longer enjoyed. I was in a downward spiral in some many areas of my life. The cries for help…relief…going unanswered.
On top of all the emotional turmoil, I was experiencing pretty significant shoulder pain…no, not shoulder…it was my collarbone. How the hell does someone hurt a collarbone?? I hadn’t taken any sort of direct hit. Hadn’t hurt it in yoga (I’m not even sure how that could happen). And it wasn’t consistent. Some days I could barely lift my arm…other days it was nonexistent. No amount of stretching or resting seemed to impact the pain. It was completely random….wait a minute, nothing is completely random….
I finally ended up going with Princess Grace to the shamans to discuss it. After 90 minutes of talking about the pain and trying to feel my way through “what” and “why”, we were still at a loss. So it was Princess Grace’s turn. As she started talking, every once in a while my collarbone would “scream” in pain. So we started an experiment. She would say something and I’d tell her whether my collarbone reacted or not. Turns out, the little guy would go off when she said something that was true.
The physical pain I was experiencing was my body trying to get me out of my head. To get me to feel the truth. To trust that I instinctively and intuitively knew what was right for me. The answers weren’t in my head. It was time for me to start feeling my way toward my truth…via a magic collarbone.
With this new knowledge, I felt like I had a secret weapon. A super power to help guide me through life. To direct me. I started testing it. I’d say statements out loud and see which triggered a response. I’d play the same game with friends…you know, party tricks. Who needs tarot cards when you have a magic collarbone? Each time, it worked…nailing the right answer. Eventually, I got good enough at trusting my intuition that the pain disappeared. I didn’t need it to tell me what was right. I was out of my head and in my body where I belonged. I was living my truth.
Every now and then, my collarbone makes itself known. Figure it’s just a friendly reminder to stay tuned into my body…and to not fall prey to that old familiar rut of listening to all the chatter…fear…paranoia…that the mind and ego can drum up. I appreciate the reminder…I welcome the pain. It’s far easier to manage than the pain that results from not listening.