I was fortunate to do a session with a friend present and had the opportunity to listen to her before it was my turn. This extra time, if you will, allowed me to start processing things and feeling triggers before I was actually on the clock.I wasn’t 100% sure what I wanted to discuss…half the time when I go, I don’t have a particular issue that I’m dealing with…at least not consciously. It never fails though, once the attention is turned to me I say “I’m not really sure” or “I don’t have anything specific” and then I always just start talking. It’s there…it’s always right there…just below the surface.
I’ve been going to the shamans for quite some time now and Princess Grace and I have been flirting with other energy work on our own. As a result, I feel things shifting much faster. So much so, some days I look in the mirror and it’s like someone different is looking back at me.
Until today, much of the shamanic work has focused on healing and integrating the wounded little girl. I’m not going to be so bold as to say that all my work there is done, but it certainly feels like I’ve addressed a significant portion of it and have moved into new territory.
I’ve started to experience claircognizance (knowing) which is a form of clairvoyance whereby I’m able to just “know” things without a physical explanation as to why I know it. It feels a lot like a gut instinct…an absolute to a situation where there’s no way to absolutely know for sure what you’re feeling or why. It’s been happening more frequently in recent months and always with regard to other people. The past couple of weeks, though, I’ve experienced this claircognizance with myself….
A feeling of knowing someone who I just met…and I mean, really knowing someone like they’ve been a part of a past life or maybe a part of my future…knowing that energetically there’s an uncanny familiarity. Actually seeing my future flash before my eyes in vivid detail. A sensation of knowing how something is going to end up when it’s barely begun.
If these things would happen in relation to someone else, I’d have no issue telling the person and letting them do with the information what they want. But I would unquestionably trust whatever it is that I all the sudden just “knew”. However, when it happens to me…about me, I struggle. There’s something in my brain (ego) that doesn’t want to trust…that is fearful…that is hanging on to past notions of reality. Past notions of how I am and what my life is supposed to look like. Past notions of what is and isn’t acceptable.
As we dug in, we determined that it’s not an external, societal fear or struggle…it’s internal to me. I described the feeling as being on the cusp of stepping into who I am…truly am…but being held back from moving forward. The visual is of me (at 41) standing on my deck…outside…barefoot…free…unencumbered…untethered…until I realize that my skirt is stuck in the door. It keeps me from being able to truly be free…from being able to embrace all that nature (and being natural) has to offer.
The shaman told me to open the door…I can’t. She’s standing there looking at me. She is the 30-something me and she wants to keep me there…stuck….tethered to everything she knows to be true as defined by her reality. He tells me to reach around and try again. She locks the door…and flashes a slightly sinister smile. He tells me to ask her to unlock the door. I do…she shakes her head no.
My 30s is when I decided I had to be a grown up. I got several big promotions…married (twice)…divorced (twice)…bought a couple houses. I distinctly remember feeling like I had stepped into someone else’s life. Someone that was all grown up. Worked in corporate America. Had a big job and did big things. Nothing about my 30s felt real or true to what I felt inside. She did everything that was expected of her without regard to what she wanted…because she had no idea what she wanted. She was completely disconnected and cut off from herself.
Conversely, the 40 year old me doesn’t really care what other people think of her. She’s tapped into what she feels and is free to go with whatever comes her way…with whatever feels right. She’s shed the “shoulds” and exists in the moment. She has no preconceived notion of what her life is going to look like because her child like eyes are wide open to any and all possibilities.
As a result, the 30 year old me is freaked the fuck out….and grasping to maintain a sense of normalcy…consistency..a reality that she can comprehend. I recognize that these two aspects of myself exist and are going to battle it out for a bit…while knowing the 40 year old will win.
We move to the table where I begin playing with the rocks that are laid out. I’m immediately drawn to some seeds. They represent opportunity…growth…everything that is possible…a future that is just beginning to grow. I place them in the center as I move other rocks around until they take an order that feels right to me. I end up creating a circle…kinda looks like a clock with a heart shaped rock and 12 and another at 6. There’s a blue rock inside the circle with the seeds. It’s the 40 year old me.
Outside the circle sits a clumsy red rock that represents the 30 year old me. As I try to touch the blue rock to the red one, I can feel them repel from each other. The red rock is not having anything to do with the blue rock.
I move a stone and make a space in the circle. The red rock is now a part of the circle…inching ever so slightly closer to the blue rock.
I say, “the blue rock wants to hug the red rock”, while wondering what would happen if I just dropped the blue rock on the red rock. No sooner do I finish this thought than the shaman says, “Why don’t you put the blue rock on the red rock and see what happens?” Hey, great idea! I do and it feels good. I have the recognition of everything positive the red rock did for me. She was responsible…logical…methodical…analytical. She provided a stable foundation and financial security for the blue rock to be able to be.
I move both rocks still stacked on top of each other toward the center of the circle and begin placing the seeds all around them. I’m thanking the red rock aloud for everything she did and placing the seeds on her back. Seeds to nurture us…allow us to grow…to be free…to soar and be open to whatever the future holds.
As I step back from this exercise, the shaman asks me if my skirt is still stuck in the door. I close my eyes….and realize….the door is no longer locked or even shut. There is no door. There’s only openness where we are free to come and go as we please. I look down at the mandala I’ve just created and notice just to the right of the heart at the top of the circle is an opening…a space to freely move in and out of the circle.
I leave with the feeling that I’m finally free to step fully into my new life. To honor and respect all that I’ve been…done…experienced…with an appreciation for how that no longer defines me but rather serves me as I continue my evolution. I leave with the recognition that I love my life…and I’m free to be in love with it and anyone that comes into it.