Day 68: I am smart

ImageI am…” Those two words are so powerful and we often give so little thought to the words that we let follow….”not good enough“…”not worthy“…”unlovable“…”ugly“…”fat“…and the list goes on and on.  Yet we would never think to tell a friend “YOU are not good enough”…”YOU aren’t worthy”…”You are unlovable”… or any of those other things.  We treat our friends with far more compassion and kindness than ourselves.  And I’m just as guilty as anybody else.  Knowing that we…I…allow this to occur makes me sad.

 

But I’ve done it for years.  I’ve made these little contracts with myself…these “I AM….blah, blah, blah…something negative” statements.  Believe it or not, those contracts stick.  Energetically we start to believe them and hold ourselves accountable to the words we used and the agreement we made.

For example, I’ve been told that I’m cautious when it comes to relationships.  While there’s nothing wrong with being cautious there is something to be said for not being so cautious that it holds you back from truly experiencing another human.  For me, “cautious” has become a safe word that actually represents “hurt”.  I am cautious because I’ve been hurt.  I am hurt because I trusted the wrong person.

I know if I trace this contract — I am cautious — back to the root cause, I’ll find a relationship that I knew was wrong.  A situation that my body was trying to tell me wasn’t good.  A lesson that I ultimately needed to learn.  What if rather than focusing on the negative, I instead affirmed the lesson. Affirmed that I learned the lesson and therefore, I am smart.

I am cautious and I am smart can mean almost the same thing yet one feels far more empowering than the other.  If I am cautious and in a relationship, I picture a weak girl, tiptoeing through life, afraid of getting hurt.  However, if I am smart and in a relationship, I picture a strong woman, who knows her mind and listens to her body, who is open to experiencing all life has to offer because she can trust herself.  Two vastly different pictures of the same person in the same situation.

So I’m going to choose to be smart…because I am smart!

Last night I went to a concert with Mr. Universe.  It was a sold out concert at my favorite outdoor venue downtown.  There were people everywhere…sprawled about the ground on blankets and arranged in those low-rider folding chairs. As we weaved through the bodies, I momentarily forgot where I was and who I was with.  I had the sensation of being in a similar situation but with another person.  I had been in a similar setting with The Taste last year.

For me, his visit was meant to be a make or break type of visit.  I thought grounding the relationship in my hometown for the weekend…letting him spend time with all my wonderful friends in a city I adore…would allow him to finally muster the courage to get his shit together.  And I thought it had worked.  At the end of the visit he said he saw the life he could have here.  He went home and started making some big changes…and that’s where it stopped.  Less than three months later, it was over.

I believed him.  I trusted his words.  I saw action.  I was vulnerable.  And then it was over.  I knew that pain and confusion left a scar but I guess I didn’t realize just how deep, until last night.

I looked back and saw Mr. Universe, holding my hand…smiling.  The warm feeling of the deja vu didn’t disappear…the happiness I was feeling wasn’t about The Taste.  It was for Mr. Universe and it allowed me to release my guard enough for my body to communicate the message of why I was being cautious.  I was living under the shadow of being hurt by someone else….still.  Enough.

I don’t need to be cautious because I am smart.  I’m smart enough to learn the lesson and let go of the past.  I’m smart enough to trust Mr. Universe until he proves that I can’t…with his actions, not someone else’s.  I’m smart enough to know that even if I get hurt, I’ll live.  I’m smart enough to know that I don’t know what the Universe has in store for me but I can trust that it’s good.

When The Taste broke my heart, I couldn’t imagine meeting anyone else like him.  I couldn’t imagine having the kind of fun we had together, with someone else.  I couldn’t imagine wanting to spend time with someone else…until I did.  And then I realized that what I had with The Taste served a purpose but wasn’t all that I thought it was at the time.  It couldn’t be.  It wasn’t built on a solid foundation.  So if I’m cautiously doing anything, it’s building a foundation that is solid.  Built on respect…kindness…truth.  Why am I doing that?  Because I’m smart.  Smart enough to know that I don’t want a taste of anything…I want the entire meal…and all the Universe has to offer.

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