Day 72: One breath at a time

ImageI’ve gone back and forth with how much to share here.  True, this is an online diary of sorts but it’s also a very public online diary….one that I chose to start and am committed to finishing…so, deep breath…here goes… 

Yesterday I found a sizable lump in my right breast.  I’m not sure I can describe how I felt in the moment.  It was surreal.  All the sudden my breast didn’t feel like my own.  This had to be dream.  There’s no way what I was feeling was real.  The initial panic almost immediately resulted in a numbness that spread from head to toe.  I had to stop touching it because that made it real.  In the moment…at that very moment…I preferred denial.

After reeling in silence for about 45 minutes, I texted Yinny.  I’ve never been good at asking for help…despite everything I preach to everyone else.  But this was different.  I’m different now.  I recognized that this was more than I could handle alone.  Yinny got my text and immediately called me back.  Her first words, “breathe“….and her last words before we hung up, “breathe“.

This “situation” was not on my agenda for the day.  I had planned to spend a lovely day with Mr. Universe…a little shopping…eating…and pool time.  Instead I was calling my doctor, frantically trying to get an appointment the same day.  My doctor was out of the office but IU Health scheduled me with another doctor in the office (many thanks, IU Health!!).

I texted Mr. Universe to let him know I managed to get an appointment, slightly bummed that I was messing up our plans for the day.  When he said he wanted to come to the appointment with me, I wanted to cry.  I guess that’s what grown ass men do, they support the people they care about.  I don’t have a lot of experience in this area…the area of grown ass men, I mean…and I wasn’t expecting him to want to be involved.

To my surprise, I didn’t even consider saying no.  The old me would have treaded water alone, barely keeping herself afloat and not wanting to worry anyone until she knew for sure what the issue was…and how she was going to handle it.  Then, and only then, would she have let people in.  I’m glad I’m not that person anymore.  It’s unnecessarily lonely.

One by one, I started to alert the witches.  The love and support (for both me and my boobies) poured in.  It was exactly what I needed to get through the pause and find my footing.  No matter what, my witches would be there with me.

Then my thoughts turned to Mr. Universe.  What if this was something bad?  What if the worst case happens?  We haven’t dated long enough for me to expect him to stick around for that.  And I totally wouldn’t blame him…that’s a lot to take on.  Before I let too much play out in mind, I quieted the fear and focused on just taking one step at a time.  One breath at a time.  I’d deal with the news as I got it and not get ahead of myself.

I don’t know if he expected this to be a fear of mine or not, but when he came over to pick me up he asked if I was ok and told me he’d be here with me through this no matter what we found out.  All I could think was “Who says that??  That’s the shit you see in the movies, not real life.”  At least not in my real life…until now.  I think the most shocking thing for me…was that I believed him when he said it.

As we waited for the doctor, I wanted to throw up but smiled and made small talk instead.  When they called my name to go back, the numbness came rushing back and it felt like I was floating.  This was not happening…not to me…and not now.

The doctor was great and eased my fears.  His initial reaction was that it’s nothing serious but ordered up a mammogram and ultrasound to be sure.  Those appointments are early next week.  I know I don’t know anything for sure yet but I left the appointment feeling much better….if nothing else, there’s a next step scheduled.

We ended up inviting a couple of friends over for dinner last night, and as I sat outside at the table with Mr. Universe, Man of the Year, Karl with a K and his finance, all I could do was smile.  The witches had been blowing up my phone with cosmic love as I sat with some wonderful new friends, my bestie boo, and my boyfriend (that’s right, I used the “b” word….).  Any ounce of fear that might have been lingering, dissipated as I became acutely aware of how awesome my life is…and how lucky I am to be surrounded by so many amazing humans.

It’s the kind of life that you see in the movies….cast with beautiful people…people that are just as lovely on the inside as the out.  There’s a bit of drama, but only to the extent that you’re able to see the multi-dimensions of the characters…to watch them grow closer through adversity.  There’s lots of laughs because everyone is funny as shit…and a few tears because everyone has giant hearts.  I guess you’d call it a romantic comedy.

Waking up to something so terrifying allowed me to fall asleep in awe of the amazing life I’ve been granted.  If I didn’t know how lucky I am, I certainly do now.  I’m so grateful to everyone…Yinny, Moon Pie, Kilo, Princess Grace, Man of the Year, Karl with a K and his finance, and especially to Mr. Universe.  Together we’re making our way one breath at a time.

 

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2 Responses to Day 72: One breath at a time

  1. I hope you will be fine!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. terryshen says:

    There you go. One breath at a time. Namaste.

    Liked by 1 person

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