Day 74: It’s a choice

ImageYesterday I had the pleasure of hanging out with Yinny…and then catching up with Moon Pie and Puppy at the pool.  It’s the first time I’d seen Yinny since texting her on Thursday morning about the lump.  As we walked around the corner to Invoke to take a Pilates bar effect class, she asked how I was doing.  I proceeded to excitedly tell her some random story, not realizing her question was much deeper than it was casual.

So we talked about what happened and what was going to happen on Tuesday.  She told me that I seemed to be handling it well.  What choice do I have?  I mean, sure, I could obsess about it all day, each day until Tuesday.  I could get spun up and depressed by “what if-ing” myself to death.  What’s the point in all that.  On Tuesday, I’ll either experience a great sigh of relief (which is what I feel is going to happen) or things will drastically change.

The choice I made is to fully enjoy each day as if nothing is wrong…or going to change.  That’s how I prefer to tackle each day until I have to do otherwise.  This is not the same as putting my head in the sand and ignoring that I have a giant lump in my breast that doesn’t belong there.  No, I’m fully aware of that…how can I not be…I can feel it.  What I’m choosing to do is to let go of what I can’t change.  It’s there and until someone tells me differently on Tuesday, it’s along for the ride.

I’ve made the appropriate appointments.  Talked to people who have been through — or know people who have been through — something similar.  So as I see it I’m still the same healthy, happy person I was 1 millisecond prior to finding the lump.

I think if I was still working, my attitude might be different.  My attitude was pretty much different about everything when I was working, let’s be honest.  I would see this as a distraction that I don’t have time to deal with.  As something to remind me how little attention I’m paying to myself.  I would attach to it all sorts of guilt…regrets…shame.

But my situation is far different now.  I know that I take care of myself.  I know that I’m trying to live a life that is full of love.  I know that I’m making myself a priority so I’m looking at the situation as a gentle reminder that things can change.  As a gentle reminder of how wonderful my life is and how happy I am…truly.  I experienced about 4 hours of fear before deciding to refocus back to everything that is great.

So as much as I appreciate the outpouring of support and encouragement I’ve received, I’d like to politely request that you keep sending me the good juju, but that we don’t need to talk about it.  Let’s hold on that until Tuesday…after I know something.  Until then…it’s just another beautiful (albeit chilly) day.  Another day to be thankful for a life full of amazing people.

Happy Sunday, y’all!

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