The transformation started years ago…probably with Yoga Teacher Training. As I deepened my practiced and dove into the yogic philosophies I started to open my eyes and, most importantly, my heart. It helped me to begin to see my own potential…to see the type of person I was capable of becoming…and to begin to step into that.
I think the journey began…when I actually stepped onto my path…the night I attended my first Avett Brothers show, four or five years ago. As I stood on the lawn at White River on a chilly October night…next to husband #2…watching people sway back and forth with their arms around each other….singing and smiling…I saw how full of life they were. I, on the other hand, was standing nearly perfectly still next to a man that was doing the same. I felt like I was invisible…gray…lifeless.
Had I been at that show with any one else…any one…I would have been in the mix…jumping around like a child. Singing, swaying, smiling…loving life. But I was meant to be doing exactly what I was because at that very moment I realized that I didn’t want to live my life in gray anymore…I didn’t want to mute myself or tone myself down to make other people comfortable. I wanted to live everyday in bright technicolor…beaming love and light in all directions…lighting the night sky with my smile and my energy. That night, I made a promise to myself to live in technicolor. To stop settling. To live out loud in bold colors…and to surround myself with the same.
Each year since that first show, I’ve seen the Avett Brothers and the epiphanies have continued. There’s something about them that allows me to relax into their music…surrounded by tens of thousands of people doing the same…that allows me insights into my life. To see things I want to change…to let go of…or to hold on to.
Last night was no different. As I stood between two of my favorite people, Kilo and Mr. Universe, on a perfectly beautiful night, I waited for the insight…the message…my epiphany….and I waited…and waited.
When the band finally started to play Head Full of Doubt/Road Full of Promise, I got it.
“There’s a darkness upon that’s flooded in light
In the fine print they tell me what’s wrong and what’s right
And it comes in black and it comes in white
And I’m frightened by those that don’t see it”
The song goes on to say…
“When nothing is owned or deserved or expected
And your life doesn’t change by the man that’s elected
If you’re loved by someone, you’re never rejected
Decide what to be and go be it
There was a dream and one day I could see it
Like a bird in a cage I broke in and demanded that somebody free it
And there was a kid with a head full of doubt
So I’ll scream til I die and the last of those bad thoughts are finally out”
It was confirmation that I’m walking my path…living my journey…learning to live the life I want to live…the life I’m meant to live…regardless of what anyone thinks. I stopped muting myself when I started this blog. This is my way of screaming till the last of the bad thoughts are finally out. Slowly, word by word…post by post…I’m ridden myself of the toxins…of the gray…and soon all that will be left will be a person who has decided what to be and is off being it.
It feels good to be free…to be true…to love and be loved…to be on a road full of promise. Thank you, Avett Brothers. See you next year.