Day 86: Silencing the voices

ImageThis isn’t a post I really want to write.  I feel like I’ve made a lot of progress in that I’ve finally come to terms with the fact that I’m worthy of love… that I’m ok — even happy — on my own… that I don’t need a man in my life to provide some external validation…that I love myself enough to be selective about who I give my heart to.  For me, those are huge steps — correction, huge leaps — forward.

With those leaps, come the elimination of old triggers.  Thank goodness!! Things that used to set me off, push my buttons, cause me to spiral, don’t bother me anymore.  Those old patterns have been replaced with a new-found strength…well, all of them except for one.

I get that there are a number of reasons why it’s better to just leave a situation.  I get that sometimes a partner’s feelings can be hurt and being in the presence of the person that caused the pain is too much.  And I get needing alone time…time to rest…to process…to think about things.  I logically know all of that…and it makes sense to me.  It really does.  I used to be the one that did the leaving.  But now, when it happens to me, it presses a button.

Maybe the point is for me to know what it felt like each time I did it to someone else…so I don’t ever do it again.  Maybe the point is to challenge my feelings…so I can be sure of them.  Maybe I just shouldn’t let it bother me…but it does.

After the door closes, all those old feelings of being unworthy…of not being able to count on someone…of questioning the other person’s intentions…of feeling like I’m one argument or disagreement away from being abandoned because I’m not perfect…all those feelings come flooding back.  Sometimes I’m able to manage the waves of emotions, but other times — especially if alcohol is involved — I can’t.  It ends up being too much and I resort to old patterns of behavior and I’m overwhelmed with toxic thoughts.

Things like, “He really isn’t that into you, obviously.”  or “You aren’t worth the effort to work through the issue.”  or “People only want to be around you because you’re fun.” or “You should have known better than to trust.”  I don’t like those thoughts at all.  A side effect of thinking them is feeling that I’ve given my power away…that I’ve lost any equal footing in the relationship. And sometimes…it results in saying things I don’t mean.

So I know this isn’t rational…and it’s clearly a trigger of some old emotional shit I’m still carrying around…but it sucks.  I don’t like feeling spun up…out of control.  I don’t like doubting myself or the person I’m with.  I used to never trust and now I do but I feel like there are invisible strings attached to the trust.  And when those strings are pulled back…so is my trust.  I don’t like this part of myself and that just drags me down a rabbit hole of assuming that no one else likes that part of me either.  It’s a spiral…one I want to stop.

I suppose this is the next layer of releasing I need to do with the Shamans…I suppose I should be happy that I’m making my way through my shit…and have people in my life to help me.  I suppose I should be thankful that Mr. Universe is as kind and caring as he is.  Most men probably wouldn’t man up and be quick to apologize or discuss issues.  It’s so helpful in quieting the voices…but I don’t want to quiet them temporarily anymore.  I want to permanently silence them…and trust my heart.  And that’s what I plan to do.  Wish me luck….

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