Day 91: Physical empath

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We’re back at the hospital.  We got to spend about an hour with Mom this morning.  She’s doing good…just in a lot of pain which is to be expected.

What I didn’t expect is how I’m feeling.  I’ve known for several years that I feel other people’s anxiety…to the point that it makes me anxious.  But it’s a new phenomenon for me to feel other people’s pain.  Being here…surrounded by so many people that are anxious…upset…sad…it’s overwhelming.  I’ve been walking around with a constant nauseous feeling.   The only time I’ve been able to get relief is if I manage to walk into the restroom and it’s empty….or down an empty hallway.  Ahhhhh….the knot in my stomach releases and I can breathe.

I know this probably makes me a horrible person but I have to get the hell outta here.   It’s incredibly selfish to make this about me…I know that, but it’s too much.  I’m bombarded with other people’s dis-ease…guess this is what a physical empath feels.

I didn’t feel this bad yesterday….but the closer we got to the hospital…I felt like I was being bombarded with emotions.

I’ve tried the whole “your shit, my body” thing the Shamans taught me but it’s not working.  I’m tired…overwhelmed, myself.  I don’t think I have the mental strength to make a boundary.

I just need to get to the airport…get home…get outside.  I need to escape from people…their fear…anxiety…pain.  I need nature.

I’m disappointed that this is my reaction, but I can’t help it.  This is real life…I’d never be able to work in a hospital or around sick people.  Sorry…least I know my weakness.

I don’t get people that live for this…for the drama…the chaos…the attention.  I feel like I’m spinning around on a merry-go-round of other people’s shit.  And I want off.  I want to go home.  I want to be quiet…in my house…tucked away from people and their pain.

The ride to the airport was a little better. I know how to fix it…I need to cry.  I need to relax and let go of the tension, but I can’t.  It’s too much…too many emotions.  Some about my mom…some just the shit I picked up.  It’s moved from my stomach to my back…my head. I’ll let go once I’m in the car.  Just a few more hours…

 

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