We’re back at the hospital. We got to spend about an hour with Mom this morning. She’s doing good…just in a lot of pain which is to be expected.
What I didn’t expect is how I’m feeling. I’ve known for several years that I feel other people’s anxiety…to the point that it makes me anxious. But it’s a new phenomenon for me to feel other people’s pain. Being here…surrounded by so many people that are anxious…upset…sad…it’s overwhelming. I’ve been walking around with a constant nauseous feeling. The only time I’ve been able to get relief is if I manage to walk into the restroom and it’s empty….or down an empty hallway. Ahhhhh….the knot in my stomach releases and I can breathe.
I know this probably makes me a horrible person but I have to get the hell outta here. It’s incredibly selfish to make this about me…I know that, but it’s too much. I’m bombarded with other people’s dis-ease…guess this is what a physical empath feels.
I didn’t feel this bad yesterday….but the closer we got to the hospital…I felt like I was being bombarded with emotions.
I’ve tried the whole “your shit, my body” thing the Shamans taught me but it’s not working. I’m tired…overwhelmed, myself. I don’t think I have the mental strength to make a boundary.
I just need to get to the airport…get home…get outside. I need to escape from people…their fear…anxiety…pain. I need nature.
I’m disappointed that this is my reaction, but I can’t help it. This is real life…I’d never be able to work in a hospital or around sick people. Sorry…least I know my weakness.
I don’t get people that live for this…for the drama…the chaos…the attention. I feel like I’m spinning around on a merry-go-round of other people’s shit. And I want off. I want to go home. I want to be quiet…in my house…tucked away from people and their pain.
The ride to the airport was a little better. I know how to fix it…I need to cry. I need to relax and let go of the tension, but I can’t. It’s too much…too many emotions. Some about my mom…some just the shit I picked up. It’s moved from my stomach to my back…my head. I’ll let go once I’m in the car. Just a few more hours…