Yesterday morning as we gathered at my house and prepared to begin our road trip to CO, I overheard Mr. Universe and Princess Grace talking about being sick the night before. Both had contracted a small 24 hour bug that yours truly may have delivered. Mr. Universe was telling Princess Grace how awful he felt the night before when he arrived at my house and went on to say how well I’d cared for him. I was slightly surprised because only a few days prior I had referred to myself as a “shitty caregiver”.
But as a I thought about the words “I am here to serve you” I was struck by how odd it was that I would ever say I’m a shitty caregiver. I’m invested in my friends…in the people I love. I want to help them…support them…listen to them…hold space for them. I go out of my way to help where I can…when I can. Yet I had this perception of myself as a shitty caregiver.
As I sat with this conundrum, I realized that for me there’s a distinction about who I chose to serve. I chose to serve people who I care about…and that can take on a variety of forms and depth depending on the situation. But if I’m in a situation with someone who I do or should care about and I realize I’m not interested in caring for them…helping them…well, it’s time to re-evaluate the situation. For me, it means that relationship is no longer serving its purpose…or the dynamics have changed…or it’s simply time to leave. To make room for someone who can…and will…care for that person to be present and assist.
“I am here to serve you”…that not only applies to others, but also to me. I am here to serve and to care for and to provide space for myself. To trust that I am here…will always be here…to support myself…to love myself. Because if I can’t do that for myself, I’m useless to anyone else.
Finding myself existing in a space where I’m following my heart…finally…has allowed me to be able to serve myself and those I care about in a way I never imagined…in a way I’m still learning the depths of…in a way that it is its own special journey. There is no greater joy than loving and caring for the people in your life without regard for what you may get in return.
Day 1 in Boulder. 🙂