Today Princess Grace, Kilo, Mama J and I spent the day on paddle boards on Gross Reservoir…which is anything but gross. At a little over 7200 feet, it’s nestled amongst picturesque mountains and offered serenity I’ve yet to find anywhere else.
We dropped the boards in and paddled out till we decided to take savasana on the boards…or as Princess Grace likes to say “not talking for 10 minutes“. It was perfection. The cool water…the blue sky…the green mountains…the silence. That is, until the silence was interrupted by gun shots. Probably some rancher taking some target practice…ok, a lot of target practice…but still even that seemed to fit with the scenery.
There’s something about being on a board, even in Indianapolis, that clears my head. There’s a perspective and a clarity I find, similar to what I used to experience when I’d fly somewhere. I think it’s because I’m cut off from my phone and my computer. There’s no traffic…no people, except whoever is with me on the board…and there’s nature. I’m surrounded by it on all sides with only a thin board supporting me above the water.
As a water bearer, Aquarians bring liquid as a precious gift and shower the world with our thoughts and new ideas. It’s this connection to water through the zodiac that I blame for drawing me to water when I need to escape…recharge…or figure something out. Despite the water bearer symbol, I’m actually an Air sign. Meaning, I use my mind to make sense of my life. (As if that’s not obvious…)
With Air signs, there’s more space between the life lived and the observing mind. While this can make others think I’m detached, aloof, remote, cool…I’m probably just trying to talk my way through my feelings or analyze a situation instead of encountering its full emotional weight. At least that’s what I used to do.
Thanks to all my work with the Shamans, I’ve learned to become much more aware of what I’m feeling and to stay in my body rather than escaping to my head to look for answers. I’m not going to lie, I still use this inherent trait to help guide me and to recognize what I’m feeling…to connect the dots of past experiences with what is happening in the moment.
Last week Princess Grace and I took my boards to Eagle Creek for some play and yoga…but more than anything, I needed to escape to nature to talk through an issue I was struggling with.
Several days prior Mr. Universe had said those three words that carry so much weight…I love you. While having thought it many times prior to hearing him say it, when faced with the opportunity to reciprocate the intention out loud, I couldn’t. The words were stuck in my throat. I felt horrible! I knew how amazing it was to hear them and I was incapable of uttering a single word.
This continued for the next week or so with Mr. Universe kindly saying that I’d be able to say the words when I felt them and it was ok. It wasn’t ok…I felt them…I really did. I could hear myself saying the words in my head…this was something else…a trigger that needed to be dealt with. I racked my brain for days to no avail. But when I got out on the water…on my board away from everything…there was the answer….
My natural state in a relationship has always been to trust but verify. Constantly comparing words to actions and looking for deviations…because in the deviations are indications of what the real truth is.
With The Taste, I didn’t do that. For the first time in my life I trusted without hesitation…in a situation that should have had me on guard moreso than any other. I can’t explain it…I have no idea why, but I guess it was just something I needed to experience. Surrendering…believing…trusting.
Unfortunately, I’m pretty sure it might have all been lies. I’m pretty sure he was adept at saying what he knew I wanted to hear to get what he wanted. I’m pretty sure he had no intentions of following through on any of the dreams we’d discussed. And that was where I was still sitting.
Despite what Mr. Universe did or said, in the back of my mind I was waiting. I was silently waiting for him to change his mind…or for him to decide I wasn’t worth it — whatever “it” was. I was holding onto the words because if I said them out loud it would make it all too real. It would mean I was all in…handing my heart over to hopefully be handled with care…but with no guarantees.
That’s the point, though. There are no guarantees…ever. There is trust. There is knowing that taking the chance is so much more important than holding back and never trying. What’s the worst that could happen? I say “I love you”…hand over my heart…let down the walls…and it ends. Or something bad happens…something out of my control to cause the relationship to end. But at least I would have been all in for however long it lasted. At least I would be able to say I gave it my all…no regrets. A broken heart sucks but I won’t die from it.
The next morning…after paddle boarding…after figuring out why the words had been stuck in my throat…I relaxed into what I was feeling and was able to release those three little golden words. All the sudden it was so easy. I released what I hope is the last bit of pain tied to an old relationship to fully step into a new one. So far…so good.
This is just one example of what I like to refer to as paddle board musings. I’m sure there’ll be more to come this summer, so hold on. That’s to that work last week, today I was able to be completely in the moment…simply enjoying the beauty of the day…surrounded by mountains, water, and some of my best friends.