So it sort of happened today….I asked Mr. Universe to move in Wednesday night and today was his “official” move in date. While not everything has been re-located, a good portion of his stuff made its way over to the house.
I have to admit — sheepishly– that I didn’t think it was going to happen. Not because of anything he did or didn’t do, but because of a prior relationship where plans were made…dreams were dreamt…things were said…but nothing ever happened. For every half step that relationship took forward, it systematically took two back.
I didn’t realize the effect being in a long-term relationship like that had on me…on my psyche…on my belief in others. Being in a relationship with someone that isn’t present — mentally, emotionally, or physically — will mess with you slightly (and that’s sarcasm).
As a result, my mantra has become “trust but verify”…which basically means that I want to trust you…but I expect you to let me down so I’ll want for the outcome until I truly believe your words. It’s not the worst place I’ve existed but it’s certainly not where I want to reside long-term.
Luckily, Mr. Universe has been patient and humored these little “ticks”. I don’t know if he senses them…can relate…or is doing the same with me, but whatever the reason it’s nice to be handled with kid’s gloves for a bit. His gentle approach…reassurance…smile…helps to settle these unspoken nerves. To quiet the voice in my head that continues to wait for the other shoe to drop. To ease the PTSD that resulted from years of being lied to…or at least mislead.
So here we are…moving his shit in. Making space for a man in a house that had affectionately become a home for wayward girls and broken hearts. Welcoming a masculine energy and everything it represents.
I used to slightly panic at the thought of living with a man…a boyfriend…a husband. There was part of me that worried I might end up being one of those spinsters with 10 cats. I never really felt comfortable in my own space with Thing 1 and Thing 2 (previous husbands). There was always something about the arrangement that made me feel more responsible…more guarded…less secure…uncomfortable. Hopefully I’ve worked through those issues….or maybe it had to do with the fact that neither were fully in tune with their emotions so there was never a legit connection.
Whatever it was, I feel like this is different. I’m different. The circumstances are different. He’s different. He’s a grown ass man…and it feels like he’s supposed to be here. So I’m going to follow my heart on this one and get the heck out of my head. If I can manage to stay in my body, I think everything will be ok.