It’s a funny feeling when you have that “aha moment” about yourself…especially when it’s in regards to something you’ve never given any thought to. That’s what happened to me yesterday.
The day started with a police officer driving his car up and down my street chirping his siren…back and forth…back and forth…from about 6:45 to 8:00. There were no parking signs posted up and down the street and no one had paid attention. Why should we? Signs were posted weeks earlier and nothing happened. Here they were again, with no explanation, so everyone chose to ignore them. And we all paid the price with an early morning (annoying) wake up call. Not my choice for an alarm and it admittedly put me in an aggravated state.
As I sat in front of the computer reading the email about the iPEC coaching kick off weekend, I felt another wave of frustration coming. I mean, the fact that I had to call them and ask for information about the training weekend was annoying enough…on top of that because they sent me the info late, I’d missed the cut off for the discounted room rate. I decided to stay positive and call the hotel…no dice. So they booked me at a hotel a mile down the road at a slightly higher cost.
I’m sure it’s no surprise that I emailed my contacts with some suggestions on how to handle their interactions with new students, the dilemma with the room, and a request to get me into the proper hotel…since the delay wasn’t my fault. Needless to say, they’re working on it….
All these little frustrations came the day after Mr. Universe reminded me of an “agreement” (for lack of a better word) we’d made about him moving in. We’d been talking about things we wanted to do (like get a dog) and it seemed silly to pursue any of them unless we lived together. Well, here he was…moved in…day 1…and he wanted to talk.
It didn’t hit me at the time…took a day to process…but I’ve spent my entire life “waiting”. Setting conditions that needed to be met before….before…before I allowed myself to start “living” the life I wanted.
I’d done it for years with my job. I couldn’t do this or that because I didn’t know when I was going to have to jump on a plane. I resisted fully settling into the communities I lived in because in the back of my head, I was waiting to have to move. A family?? Not even an option for a number of reasons, not least of which was that you can’t raise a family on the road…or rather, I didn’t’ want to.
Don’t get me wrong…every single one of these decisions were made by me. I made these choices because of something that may or may not happen. I lived by these conditions because it was easier than having to decide what I really wanted.
And here I was again…making rules…conditions that needed to happen before allowing some life progression. We wanted a dog…nope, not unless we lived together. Ok, here we are…living together. A family…a new career…traveling…so many options available.
So I took a step back and started questioning everything. When I retired, I did so with a plan. Step one I was to go to India. It was a commitment that forced me to leave the job by a certain time so I could climb on a plane. It was also going to be a spiritual journey where I started to untangle all the expectations and discover what I really wanted out of life. The trip didn’t happen because my mom got sick but turns out I didn’t need it. I managed to start the journey of self discovery here and it’s continued just fine.
Step two was to complete the life coaching program I’d signed up to take so I could start a new career. It’s basically a graduate program to gain skills…access to tools…acquire an international certification. As part of the program, I was supposed to read a book in advance of the kick off weekend in Chicago. I bought the book months ago…and I’m still only half way through it. It’s an easy read…I’m just not into it. It’s common sense to me so I find myself getting distracted each time I pick it up. So now, two weeks out, I have to force myself to finish something I should be more excited to complete.
Then it hit me, I’m tired of waiting. I’m tired of putting stipulations on myself. I’m tired of dreaming and not doing. I’m tired of holding myself back and getting in my own way. I waited for years for something I thought I wanted but couldn’t get. Now I’m wondering what I would have done if it had been available. Doesn’t really matter…I’m just not sure I was living from a place that I could pursue any dream that wasn’t tied to work.
Now that everything feels like a personal choice – not a career choice – I can finally see that these conditions were ego-driven. It was my ego — not my heart — that felt it needed to make all these big elaborate plans. It needed to feel validated…justified…significant.
I don’t need to go to India to find myself…I’m well down that road. So far down the road, in fact, that I can finally admit I don’t want to go to India. Not now…maybe not ever. The appeal is gone…the drive has diminished…the purpose no longer exists.
And I’m not so sure I want to invest all the time and money into getting a life coach certification. I’ve been coaching people for years without it, so why do I think I need a piece of paper to validate my abilities? It’s like telling a musician they need to go to college…not to learn to play, but to get a piece of paper.
Might I learn something new? Sure!! Will I learn enough to validate the amount of money being spent….don’t know. I’m still going to go to the opening weekend to see what I think…how I feel. But if I it doesn’t feel right…necessary…then I’m not doing it. Who says I can’t start coaching anyway…right now? Oh, I know…because it would mean I’m actually doing something instead of talking about it…instead of planning for it…or preparing for it.
I’ve had enough of this engrained behavior. It’s always something with me. Following my heart means just that…following.my.heart. It doesn’t mean setting up stipulation after stipulation…gate after gate…obstacle to tackle after obstacle. That’s my mind…my ego…my fear of trying something and failing. So rather than just dive in, I’ll try to build a foolproof plan to succeed, even if that means delaying the start indefinitely. After all, you can’t fail if you never try…Enough.
It’s time for my dreams and reality to collide….in action.