Day 133: A deep seated fear of betrayal

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I’m angry again…angry like I have been for a while.  Actually, I described to Princess Grace as a feeling of negativity that feels like it’s circling around me.  Meaning, it doesn’t necessarily feel like the anger is coming from within exactly.  It feels a little more like it’s swirling around me and settling at…or irritating me near…the bottom of my heart.  And once I become aware of it, I feel it start to rise up…from within…and affect my perception and ultimately my behavior toward others and the world around me.

I pride myself in being a genuinely happy person…on letting things roll off my back…of not getting unnecessarily worked up.  But lately, I’ve been behaving in the exact opposite fashion.  Things that normally wouldn’t bother me are becoming bigger and bigger deals.  Leaving me unsettled…frustrated…anxious…angry…about what’s going on.

It’s starting to feel like a general distrust of life.  You know how you can walk into a room and feel that something is off…out of place…missing?  That’s the feeling that I’m carrying with me.  I don’t know where it came from…why it’s here…or when it’s leaving…but I’m ready for it to move along.

At first I thought it might be because things are moving so quickly for me on this new path that it’s knocked me a bit off kilter, leaving me a bit apprehensive…pensive…doubtful, even.  Because everything is new and different, I’m adjusting and so is everyone around me.  But for the most part, all the new and different has been really easy and my decisions have felt good…so that doesn’t make sense.

So as I look a little deeper…listen to the words I’m using to describe how I’m feeling…and my reaction to my feelings…I realize it has more to do with “people” than “things”.  I’m feeling a general distrust with some folks…mainly people that are close to me, maybe even closest to me…in my life.  They haven’t necessarily done anything wrong, though.

In talking through these feelings with Laura, I saw this look of “Aha!” come across her face.  She’s been working on reading cards since we had ours done in Boulder and she’d recently watched a training where the teacher spoke specifically of the six of diamonds (which I am).  He said that more than any other card, six of diamonds have a deep seated fear of betrayal.  That is the core wound we carry…and battle…throughout our entire life.

A deep seated fear of betrayal.  She nailed it.  I don’t think I would have landed on that exact phrasing, but that is precisely how I feel.  By nature, I’ve always paid close attention to the words people use…their tone when they say them…their body language when communicating…and their actions.  I’m always weighing all these inputs against each other…always looking for confirmation of honesty or a crack to expose a potential mistruth.  To prepare for them to betray me.

I never really understood why I did this.  I chalked it up to past relationships…maybe a childhood trauma…even though I couldn’t bring a specific incident to mind.  Turns out it might just be something innate within me…a cosmic lesson that I’m meant to learn.

With this awareness my recent behavior…and feelings of distrust…the need to hang onto things said…actions…noted inconsistencies in the behavior of those closest to me.  It’s hardly fair to them or me.  To constantly be looking for a sign that someone can’t be fully trusted, but that’s exactly what I’ve been doing…and feeling.  All of the sudden there was an increased suspicion that those closest to me couldn’t…or shouldn’t…be trusted. It was a horrible feeling…and it made me angry.

Now that I’m aware of this core wound, I can work on healing it.  Attempt to manage it…release it…to forgive myself and those around me.  I don’t have to be a slave to it or the reactions that result from it.  And the people that I care about don’t have to feel an energetic punishment when I note a potential inconsistency.

So where do I go from here?  I guess it starts with some apologies…and acknowledgments of where my head (and heart) have been lately.  And a request for support as I work to quiet this demon.

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This entry was posted in emotions, energies, relationships, retirement, self, self exploration. Bookmark the permalink.

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