Day 213: Fear and loathing in the heartland


In a fit of insecurity, I blurted out some fears I’d been hauling around with me…and didn’t really realize.  To Mr. Universe’s credit, he handled my outburst with grace….surprising grace because he’s not always been the graceful type.

After my spewing stopped, I paused…took a breath…and stated a heartfelt apology followed by an acknowledgement that I’d clearly been caring “that” around for a while.  That was an understatement.  The words that came out of Mr. Universe’s mouth next were almost exactly what I needed to hear.

His words stopped me dead in my tracks and forced me to question why after accepting his proposal I was still so fearful that he’d leave.  To be honest, I haven’t been afraid of losing someone since…well…maybe never.  In the back of mind was a knowing that I’d honestly be fine if any of my previous relationships ended.  Heck, I knew I’d probably be better because being alone was probably what I needed most to begin healing.

But when you are standing across from the person that you want to experience life and all it has to offer with…and those voices creep in warning you not to trust what he says…warning you to be ready for him to leave because no one loves you…  Those voices that remind you that your father didn’t love you so why should this person who doesn’t have to choose to do so?  That voice that says if you fully relax into yourself he’s going to see who you really are and bail.

Those voices are ugly…scared…little voices from a lifetime ago.  They linger from a time when I didn’t love myself and couldn’t imagine anyone else loving me either.  They are from a time when I struggled to piece together what I’d done to make my father not love me.  That’s right, for years I carried around guilt, feeling that I’d done something to be unlovable by a parent.  One of the two people that are supposed to love you unconditionally….and if one of them can’t, why would anyone else?

Every time I think I’ve beat this demon, it rises up and shows me that a little part is still hanging on.  But last night…when Mr. Universe responded like he did…I think I might have finally quieted that last little voice.  And the quieting started with me admitting that I was scared.  Words that would have never come out of my mouth before because admitting the fear would have been too much.  Admitting it existed required acknowledging all the pain attached to it.

Not now.  Admitting the fear now means I’m standing in a place of strength from which I can be vulnerable….not afraid…vulnerable.  The two are very different…one is healthy, strong, beautiful. The other isn’t.

I know no one can predict the future.  I know there are forces beyond my control that will bring people in and out of my life.  I know that as much as I want this to be “forever”, it will be as long as the Universe intends for it to be.  And I’m honestly ok with all of that.  I just really hope that I get to experience this love affair for as long as possible.  I feel like it’s going to be one for the record books…an epic love story…and only time will tell.

This entry was posted in emotions, energies, future, love, marriage, relationships, retirement, self, self exploration and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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