Day 253: Eurfuckingreka

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Sometimes it’s amazing how all the dots connect and everything suddenly makes sense.  I mean, I suppose I should be used to that by now…it’s been happening to me for a while.  But each time, I’m still utterly amazed.  Here’s what transpired over the last couple of days….follow along closely.

On Day 239, I shared that I’d gotten my Reiki Level 1 Certification and as a part of that received four attunements.  Every three days, I would progress through my chakras beginning at the crown and working down to the root.  This energetic attunement might cause some shifting or releasing to occur so we were cautioned to be mindful and aware.  Oh, and to tell those closest to us in case we seem a bit erratic.  Oops, sorry Mr. Universe! 🙂

On Tuesday we moved out of the throat chakra and into the heart…the power center.  And boy did I ever move into my power center.  It seemly came out of nowhere and once it arrived, it wasn’t leaving.  I was angry….and not just annoyed.  I was downright pissed.  And it was all directed at Mr. Universe.  The arguing escalated throughout the day. How could it not?  I couldn’t let it go…or more than likely, it couldn’t let me go.  It wasn’t until late that night when the grip loosened that I finally felt remorseful…or anything other than pure fire.

The next day, Wednesday, was awful.  With the anger subsided, I was left to clean up the shrapnel and try to make sense of my behavior.  For the record, I don’t lose my cool often…not like this…so it was pretty far out of character, especially because it seemed to be unprovoked.  As Mr. Universe so lovingly phrased it, I was “acting like a crazy bitch”.  Isn’t he so sweet and eloquent?

As the day progressed, the dots started to connect.  Not only were the realizations coming from within but they were fueled by the words that had left my lips and the unsteadiness I had felt in my body the day prior.  The attunements had opened me up to release some pent up anger and trapped trauma relating to my relationships with men, particularly “he who shall not be named” (The Taste, if you haven’t been following along) and some transference to Mr. Universe.

I was still hanging onto the feeling of being in a relationship where I thought we were moving in one direction and then all of the sudden it felt like the carpet had been yanked out from under me.  Where I had believed someone so completely only to find out they had been lying to me and themselves…probably the entire relationship.  I had ignored warnings from friends to be careful, only to throw caution to the wind.  Couple all of that and a few more things with the fact that both relationships came out of nowhere and were immediately intense…progressing quickly.  That both men seemed to be emotionally available.  That both were/are actively battling their own demons.  And all of the sudden, I was drawing unintentional parallels between the two and transferring this untapped anger to my current relationship.  Bottom-line…I was scared.

As if that might be enough to figure out, I extrapolated it even further this morning.

On Day 245 I wrote the following about wanting to work a traditional job… “I realized today that the thought of sitting at a desk…behind a computer…like I used to…is like putting a plastic bag over my head and taking deep, slow breaths.”  Not really mincing words there.  Yet four days later on Day 249 I wrote about being bored and feeling like I needed to find a job to occupy my time and my brain.  And what did I do but get on the Internet and start applying for…yep…you guessed it…jobs that meant I’d be sitting behind a desk.  WTF?!?!  The next day I wrote about feeling the need to do a Paleo diet which for me boils down to a control issue.  And then a few days after that, I shared the definition of boredom…not getting what you want.

I’m pretty sure this energetic release of prior relationship shit and the transference of that shit to my current relationship was the root cause driving how I felt on Day 249, 250, and 252.  You see, in the purest sense, a job isn’t about recognition or productivity or being part of a team.  At least not for me.  A job is about money.  Financial stability.  Security.

All of the sudden, these attunements had energetically tapped into these remaining feelings of insecurity so deeply rooted that they triggered a domino of insecurities in my present world.

Being less than one month out from getting married…and having been married twice already…the pressure to not make the same mistakes is high.  The pressure I’m putting on myself to be confident that this is the one…the final…is high.  And to have these fears emerge now…emotionally, it was just too much.  I imploded on myself and exploded all over Mr. Universe.  I was scared and feeling insecure.  Hence the anger and the job search.

Holy eur.fucking.reka!  That’s a lot to figure out in just two days.  I’m glad it only took two days, though.  Thank goodness time is speeding up.  Something like that might have taken me months before…and with a wedding in less than a month, I don’t have that kind of time to waste.  Sure, it’s always an option to postpone the wedding if the timing doesn’t feel right but up until all of this, the timing had felt really good.  Oh those silly attunements!

So now that I’ve released the anger…I’ve processed the where and why…I’ve gotten to the root of this need to find a job, I’m going back to doing what I do best.  Being happy….at least until I move through the last two chakras left on this attunement.  Uh oh…look out, Mr. Universe.  😉

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