Day 258: Permission to deal

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Today, I had lunch with a dear friend that I hadn’t spent quality time with in awhile.  It was lovely to catch up and see how refreshed she looked.  She recently released herself from a toxic relationship….where he drained so much of her life force that it actually dulled her aura.  Today she was lit up like a Christmas tree…and it was beautiful to see.

This friend and I have been through a lot together.  We’ve seen each other at our best and our worst…we’ve weathered two failed marriages (on my part) and numerous boyfriends.  We’ve sang…drank…danced together, but more than anything we’ve always been there when the other is in need.  No matter how hectic life may become or what may get thrown our way, there’s that sisterhood connection that allows us our distance yet always brings us home.

She reminded me of this today when she looked me in the eye and asked if I remembered the limo ride in Vegas.  The ride where I asked her if we should keep going to LA instead of heading to the site of my wedding (which we were in route to at the time of my question).  Her reply echoes in my heart to this day…”We can do whatever you want.  I got no place else to be but in this limo with you.”  She had my back regardless of my decision.  She loved me whether I was making the best decision or the dumbest.  She was there to congratulate me with a hug or hold my hand as we cleaned up the mess.

When that marriage fell apart, she (along with almost all of my friends) shared their skepticism about the marriage.  They didn’t understand it and couldn’t see how it was going to work…which it didn’t…but to hear all of their concerns after the fact was…concerning.  I made her promise that if she ever had her doubts about a relationship of mine again,  to talk to me about.  No keeping quiet…no worrying about what it would do to the friendship.  I was giving her permission to do what she felt needed to be done.

Today, as she sat across from me and looked me in the eye, asking if I remembered the limo ride in Vegas…she told me she didn’t want me to feel like I had backed myself into a corner with the wedding because of the blog.  She shared her concern that I had publicly made a declaration that meant I couldn’t change my mind, if that’s what it came to.

I’m sure this was hard for her to say…it was a little hard to hear…but I know her heart was in the right place.  And for the record, I don’t feel like I have to do or be anything except for honest because of this blog.  Should that mean doing something drastic because that’s what I feel needs to be done, so be it.

Here’s the deal with my relationship with Mr. Universe.  It’s not perfect…and for a while, that made me mad…or maybe “disappointed” is a better word.  I was disappointed that a relationship comprised of two imperfect people wasn’t well, perfect.  Hrmmmm….  Right.  As fast as it progressed and as wonderful as it might be, it isn’t a fairy tale.  We each have our own shit we are dealing with.  But here’s where it’s different and why I feel it’s right.

We both know we are dealing with shit.  We both know we still have growing to do and we want to go through that growth with the other by our side.  We are strong, dynamic individuals yet able to be vulnerable with each other.  And when we do argue, there’s intensity but it never lasts more than a couple of hours because we’re able to put into perspective what is important.  As happy as I am on my own…as much as I know I can take care of myself, I like the thought of sharing my life with Mr. Universe.  This is a totally new concept for me.

What’s also a new concept is being able to talk about our challenges from the perspective of trying to limit how and when we push each other’s buttons.  Keep in mind, people come into our lives to do just that…push our buttons.  It’s how we’re finally able to free those trapped energetic traumas.  Because of all the work I’ve done with the Shamans…and the work that he’s now doing with the Shamans…we both know this to be true.  And that provides for such a different foundation to work from.  It’s a foundation of growth…evolution…support.  It’s a foundation that provides us the room to make mistakes…for life to be messy…to argue…but to still love each other and see the value in the relationship.

Most importantly, it’s a foundation that allows us to know we would be fine if things didn’t work out.  So there’s not this pressure to have the perfect wedding…or the perfect marriage…or the perfect life.  If for some reason, we get to Hawaii and something doesn’t feel right, we’ve given ourselves permission to enjoy the vacation and try again next year.  That’s huge!  That’s what I want.  I’m not looking for the perfect relationship…I couldn’t even describe it if you asked, and it’d most likely be different every day.  I’m looking for the relationship that gives us room to grow as individuals…and as a couple.

I think I’ve found that.  But no matter what, I know my girls have my back.  And to feel that support means the world to me.  Thank you!  xoxo

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