Day 261: Time to hit reset

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Life is full of frustrations…challenges…struggles.  While I do believe we can control how we perceive ourselves and thereby create our own reality, we can’t forget that every person around us is doing the same.  They are bringing positive or negative energy into their reality via their thoughts and that has the potential to impact everyone around them.

For months, now, I’ve been trying to exist in this state of “be and let be”.  I’ve been trying to exist in my higher self and stay cognizant that other people’s behavior has nothing to do with me…it’s their reality, not mine.  And while I sincerely believe that, there comes a point where it’s not healthy for me to let everything roll off my back.  Personal boundaries are necessary and I’ve been struggling to establish them.

Yesterday my Shamans called me in for a visit.  In case you’ve never visited a Shaman, it’s kind of like going to a shrink or a life coach, they don’t call you in, you call them.  So right away, I knew something was up.  Turns out, the last time I visited, my aura was dark and cloudy.  This isn’t normal for me and served as a type of distress call.  My Shamans answered the call, by doing some journeying and then calling me in for a visit.

On the journey to my underworld, they kept being pulled down…down…down.   Farther and farther into darkness.  Into the pitch black…and there, trapped within a cage of bamboo, I stood….screaming for help.  Screaming for someone to get me out.  My Shaman took her jaguar and my black bear down with her and my black bear went to work.  She destroyed the bamboo cage and set me free.  Once free, light began to stream in….the surroundings turned green and a river appeared.  There, my black bear stood on the bank of the river fishing pieces of me out as if I were salmon.  My Shaman asked if she could do anything and the black bear waved her off.  She had the situation under control.  I was free…and being put back together…by my mama grizzly.

I have to admit, hearing something that dramatic from your Shaman is a bit unsettling.  It rattled my cage (pun intended).  Without consciously being aware of it, I’d put myself in a box…in a cage.  Having worked so hard to abandon the societal labels placed on me, I’d abandoned myself in the process.  Choosing to focus the majority of my energy on helping those around me, rather than taking care of myself.  I silenced my opinions in an attempt to hold space for those that needed it.

Having come to this realization, I now need to work to rebalance the dynamic I’ve created.  To find my voice and reassert myself.  To allow myself permission to establish boundaries that protect me…nurture me…and allow me to hold space for myself.  It’s no different than the concept of a mother taking time to care for herself so she’s healthy and able to properly care for her family.  I’ve allowed myself to become energetically rundown.  In this weakened state, I’ve had no choice but to ride the emotional waves of those around me.  And while that’s to be expected…I’m starting to feel a bit seasick.

I need to remember that I’m a strong woman.  I am a confident woman.  I am healthy.  I’m going to balance my needs with the needs of those around.  And I will use my voice to communicate these needs.  It’s time to hit the reset button…this program has run it’s coarse.

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