Day 262: An engaging engagement

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It’s true…I’ve been a little all over the place lately with regard to how I’m feeling about…and dealing with…life.  I think this time of year is just naturally hectic for so many that those of us that pick up on other’s emotions tend to suffer a similar fate.  But I can’t blame everything I’ve been feeling on those around me.  

I’ve been dealing with my own personally-applied pressures this holiday season…and struggling to keep everything moving.  It’s almost like I hit this strange balancing point of almost having too much time to think and yet not enough time to do everything I wanted to do.  All of the sudden, everything I’d been manifesting happened, almost at once, and it kind of paralyzed me.

The paralysis resulted in a lot of second guessing myself…questioning decisions…looking outward for signs and ignoring my inner voice.  I felt like an emotional ping pong ball bouncing from extreme highs to low lows.  All the while trying to find my footing…trying to ground down and center myself…trying to just stop the spinning.

Today, everything stopped.  It’s like I landed back into my body after being suspended outside myself.  Connections started happening…thoughts gained clarity…the path lit back up.   I have no idea what changed.  Maybe it was that Mr. Universe and I finally sat down and shared our lists of what we both want out of a relationship.

We’d been talking about doing it for a while but hadn’t found the time until last night.  As we each took turns reading our list, a huge sense of relief washed over me as I realized our lists were very similar (go figure) and we both had the capacity to meet the other’s needs.  It’s almost like that re-centered me and pushed me upright…like I finally drank that V8 I’d been dragging around with me.

I made a comment to the Red-headed Gypsy yesterday that wedding planning is a scam.  It’s a ton of money thrown at one day that keeps a couple distracted from what they should really be focused on…themselves.  An engagement period shouldn’t be about picking the perfect center piece or making sure the Funky Chicken isn’t played at the reception.  An engagement should be about rolling up your selves and digging into the gritty truth of what your life is going to be…about what you want it to be.  You know, that thing that happens after you spend all the money on that one day….yah…that’s it…your life.

My first two engagements were pretty typical…we focused on wedding planning.  On making other people happy.  On crossing shit off a list.  This go round, our wedding planning was done in two days after two phone calls.  Um ok, now what??  Maybe that’s why I obsessed over my dress and bought three only to decide to go with the first one.  I was manufacturing “to dos”…making up distractions.

This engagement has been rockier than the first two.  We’ve pushed through a period of unemployment….made strategic business decisions…discussed money woes…experienced the ups and downs of falling off — and getting back on — the healthy eating wagon.  We’ve taken each day as if we were evaluating the other…making sure this is the person we want to be with.  Making sure we’re in the right headspace for such a heartfelt commitment.  It’s been quite an engaging engagement, to say the least.

And as much as I hated the arguments…as much as they might have made me question myself…I now understand how very important they were in forcing us to ask the tough questions before answering with a “yes”.  As much as I hated not having a magical engagement, I much rather have a magical life.  These short term disagreements are the foundation from which long-term happiness will grow.

So to everyone that thinks it’s necessary to plan the perfect wedding…to spend your engagement focusing on your future.  Stop.  One day does not make a marriage.  Be present.  Fight now.  Work through the issues…don’t table them because you’re too busy planning.  Use your engagement to make sure you’re in the right place with the right person…and that that’s who you want to be with after the wedding.  Make sure that’s who you want…and can…grow with.

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