It took till about mid-day to start feeling better. I was tempted to lay around again but Mr. Universe insisted we needed to get out of the house, even if it was to run a few errands. He was right. There comes a point when you don’t feel well and are rounding the corner that you have to make yourself get up and start to move towards a more healthy existence. So that’s what we did.
I can’t shake the feeling, though, that whatever this yuck was I came down with, was something I brought back from the island. There was something about the islands…an energy…that you can feel when you’re there. The air was thick with it. I assume for some it feels warm and welcoming but not for me. Whatever I was feeling felt unwelcoming…unsettling…edgy.
I’ve always loved the water, especially the ocean. The first thing I do when I’m near it is jump in and take a swim. On this trip, though, we were on day 4 of our trip before I stepped foot in the water. Truth. And I didn’t spend any time swimming in it until the day before we left…and even then, I was uncomfortable.
The water had an energy about it that wasn’t inviting. It kept me on alert. Constantly looking around and down. I didn’t feel safe. I’ve swam in plenty of oceans and have only been spooked a couple of times…usually when I’m out a little too far and my imagination starts to get the best of me. But this time, I never swam out far…I’m not sure I ever got out far enough to not be able to touch. Whatever I was feeling there…some of it came back with me.
Some might assume I was feeling what I brought with me. Maybe that’s the case. Getting married is a big deal and I brought some anxiety with me, but it was more than just that. I feel like the island exploited whatever negative energies where hanging around….some mine, some not mine.
Despite all the feelings I’ve bore in this blog, I’ve started to hold back a bit out of fear for who might be reading and not wanting people to mistakenly read something into my words. But that’s exactly what I said I wouldn’t do with this. For me, via this blog at least, writing isn’t about making people feel good. It’s about releasing what I don’t need to carry anymore. About sorting through my feelings so I can grow and move past that which no longer serves me.
That’s what 2014 was….the year of purging. Yet here I am starting a new year and still hanging on to past wrongs…old energies…things that tie me to an old life instead of allowing me to step fully into my future. So here goes…this is a big one….
I had a close friend tell me shortly after retiring that if she didn’t know how much I was struggling with being retired, she’d hate me. Well, I got over the struggle and settled into my retired life. I embraced a life of far less stress and being my own boss. A life where I got to set my own priorities and intentions. A life where I didn’t need to buy my or anyone else’s happiness anymore because I had the time to invest instead.
I don’t think watching me lead that life felt as good to some and I think that friend realized I was no longer struggling. I think she saw that I was enjoying myself. Sure I still had concerns and fears and episodes of growth, but my troubles were different. They were temporary…and I was in control of remedying them. As a result, I don’t think this friend much cares for me anymore.
I’ve racked my brain for months on end to figure out what I did wrong…how to mend a fence I don’t remember breaking. Trying a number of different tactics to rebuild a bridge…all to no avail. It’s one thing when you have a fight with someone. Then you know what happened and you know how to fix it…or that it’s irreparable. But in this case, there was no fight. No exchange of words. Nothing. Just a disappearance.
This feeling sits in two places…my gut and the bottom of my heart. On the trip I realized that it also sits in my throat because I feel like I can’t say anything about it nor write about it. I didn’t want to say anything because I didn’t want to cause a ripple amongst all our friends, but it’s obvious there’s a distance…obvious to more than just me thanks to Facebook. But I’m not helping myself to move past it by not letting it out in some way…so this is my attempt to let it go and put it to bed.
What it’s stirred up that I really need to move past is that old feeling that I can’t trust my friendships. That feeling I had in high school that my friends were only my friends if I was doing something for them. Something to make them feel good or get them recognized. I thought those days were behind me…and for the most part they were, until she brought them all crashing back. Her behavior triggered those old memories.
That’s what the Reiki Master, Pam, was picking up on. Those feelings from high school of not having friends I could trust…and being too afraid to speak up….being too afraid to walk away. I realize I should probably sit her down and talk to her, but I’ve tried that. I basically got lip service that nothing was wrong. Maybe nothing is wrong. Maybe she just doesn’t care to be around me anymore…and that’s hard when you have so many friendships intertwined. At one point on vacation I found myself dreaming of coming back to pack up the house and move…to start fresh. Knowing that those friends that are real will come visit. It’s ridiculous that at 41…almost 42…I’m still resorting to feeling like running away. Enough.
In 2015, I’m going to cherish my friendships and surround myself with people that support me. People that are want to see others chase and catch their dreams. People that are lifted up by victories and motivated to push forward for their own dreams. There are all kinds of people out there…all sorts of flavors…and some mesh better than others. I guess our flavors don’t mix well anymore. And that’s ok. This world is big.