Wow! Feels like I finally got my groove back. I wasn’t even totally aware that it was gone until it showed back up. The jet lag is gone. That weird little stomach virus is gone. That frazzled feeling I was carrying around is gone. The anxious energy that had settled in is gone. The constant mind chatter that kept me busy but unfocused…gone. All of it gone…gone…gone!
I was starting to feel like I might as well go back to working a full-time job because those old energetic feelings had crept back in. I’m kinda thinking that a lot of it was driven by nervous energy around the wedding…around a relationship that was moving at light speed. While the speed felt comfortable to us, it made a lot of people around us nervous. And, yea, I could that, people!!
Even though we eloped, I was a little anxious about fitting into the dress…about looking my best on the trip…about everything going according to plan, despite there not really one. Another thing that added anxiety…people’s unsaid feelings about eloping. There whispered concerns about my blog and how it might be added pressure to go through with something that should be put on hold (because it’d make them feel better, not necessarily us).
I could feel all of that and then some coming at us from external sources, let alone the natural stresses that we were feeling. I mean, if you’ve been reading my blog, you know the trip didn’t start off so well.
Those months of planning and dreaming and hoping for the best trip possible smashed to little bits as soon as we boarded the United (#sucks) TV-less plane. I know, I know…petty problems…but let’s be honest. Who doesn’t want their big day…any big day…to go off without out a hitch??? To feel like it’s been blessed by the Universe with perfect weather…perfect travel…perfect anything and everything? Clearly I fell into that camp, even though I know better.
While the trip wasn’t perfect, the day was. It was simple and touching and intimate. Exactly what we wanted. So even though the trip wasn’t our ideal vacation, the day…THE DAY…was. And that’s what we were there for.
Believe it or not, that one simple observation…realizing that the point of the trip wasn’t the days leading up to the 1st or even the days after…that the point of the trip was to elope and have a memorable day that we could look back and smile on. That was the point and that’s what happened. So even though everything else wasn’t quite right, it made the day that much more special.
And that’s what life is. It’s a collection of moments. Each one standing on its own or building to the next. It all just depends on how we choose to look at them. Had I chosen to allow each to build on the next, my wedding day would have been an aggregation of stress…disappointments…frustrations. But because we both let the day stand on its own. Because we did that, we allowed it to be its own moment…like it should be. The result: we had the best day we could have hoped for. Nothing before or after mattered…not in the moment.
Just like today…like everyday…like every moment should be. I allow myself to get stressed…to feel anxious…because I let moments build on themselves. Moments that have no true relation to each other, other than one came before the last. I allow myself to string them together…looking for signs and coincidences…where there very well may be none.
And in doing so, I don’t allow myself to exist in the moment. I mean, I’m there but with a constant glance over my shoulder toward the past moment and a toe over the line waiting for the next. If this moment is supposed to have a sign in it…it will. It’ll be hit me over the head obvious. I don’t need to expend so much energy decoding life. It’s not that complicated…unless I choose to make it so.
And that’s what I realized today. I knew all this, but I didn’t get it…I didn’t feel it…I hadn’t considered how to live it…until right.now.in.this.very.moment.