Day 321: Shake it off

keep-calm-and-shake-it-offEvery once in a while I have the privilege of teaching at a certain space that is nestled beautifully amongst nature.  It sits on the river and exudes a warm and welcoming vibe.

I’ve gotten to know several of the folks in the class…some I new prior…and they are fantastic humans.  It’s a class I always look forward to being invited to sub.

And last night was one of those nights.

Prior to last night, each time I subbed this class it required some unique prep because I wasn’t teaching regularly.  With two or three standing classes per week, I went to last night’s class feeling much more prepared…and relaxed.

To my surprise, almost immediately after starting class, I felt tension as if I wasn’t teaching regularly…as if I hadn’t already taught the exact class sequence…successfully…confidentially.

I felt unnerved.  Almost like the students were invading my space. I was so preoccupied with fending off the energetic disturbances that I would lose my words…train of thought…completely leave out poses I intended to teach.

As much as I wanted the class to be over, I didn’t want it to be over.  As unsettled as I was, I was desperately trying to regain my footing.  The class was a constant struggle for me until the very end.  And even then I didn’t feel relaxed…or proud of the effort I’d put forth.

I left the experience feeling heavy…weighted down…like I’d failed the students.  Going in I was so excited to show them how much I’d grown as a teacher.  Coming out I found myself questioning whether I was really a good teacher or not.

I wish I could put my figure on the issue.  The space is beautiful and welcoming.  The people are beautiful and welcoming.  The energy…sets me off from the moment I walk in the door.

My thoughts and feelings don’t flow freely. I find that I have to try and focus twice as hard to keep my train of thought.  There were at least a couple of times that I completely spaced what I was teaching…what was to come next.  The class felt disjointed.  I felt disjointed.

It was the exact opposite of how I felt leaving my class last Saturday.  A class where I lost myself in the teaching in such a way that time flew by…I felt I could have continued going for hours.  I planned to teach that exact same sequencing last night…a class that I had been completely in the zone teaching.  Two classes couldn’t have felt more different.

You’d think the fact that my shamans were in the class would put me at ease.  Whenever I’m in their presence I immediately feel better…calm…centered.  Yet in that room, I feel their energy more distinctly.  Maybe it’s because yoga is their medicine and their release.

In my core, I believe I’m a good teacher…but my ego is a bit shaken.  As I head to my corporate class tonight all I can do is “shake it off.  shake it off.”  Thanks T.Swift for the inspiration.  😉

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