I’ve been writing about this ongoing struggle with a re-surfaced fixation on perfectionism…and that’s where I’ve been stuck, until today. People around me used words like “perfectionist” and “need for control” so that’s what I assumed I was struggling with…because that’s a familiar struggle for me. But I’m starting to realize that sometimes things aren’t as they appear to be.
Today, after viewing this video, I started to wonder if my issue is really with perfection or is it that I’m simply judging myself? (PS: If you never watch a single video I post, watch this one. It’s 30 minutes and has the power to change your life. Really.)
Maybe I’m judging that I’m just not good enough…therefore I need to try harder…which others pick up as perfectionism. Maybe it seems like I’m splitting hairs but I don’t think so. There’s a difference between being caught up in trying to be perfect and judging oneself…or critiquing oneself. The latter doesn’t mean that I have to be perfect. It just means that I want to be better…do better…than I currently am.
But as I continued watching the video (Second chance to watch it…click it!), I thought maybe that’s not quite it either. Perhaps it’s not that I’m afraid of not being perfect and therefore unworthy of love at all…maybe I’m afraid of actually being loved for who I truly am. Because such a thing…being loved as I am…would shatter my ego.
But then these other notions from the video (Watch it already!) started bouncing around in my head:
“A positive affirmation is more than just a thought”
“The thought is the image of the quantum possibility”
“We’ve been conditioned to feel the things we’re afraid of”
“Feeling: the union of thought and emotion”
So then I find myself heading down the road of realizing that there’s a difference between where I was after retiring and where I find myself now. Until recently, I’ve not struggled to manifest things in my life because I was very clear about what I wanted…until recently.
I’d spent the days…months…years leading up to my retirement considering what I wanted out of life. I mean, that’s why I ultimately decided to step away from my job. But once those things manifested, I was left wondering, “What’s next?”
Suddenly I didn’t know what I wanted. And as soon as I stepped into that space of unknowing, things started to feel a bit unstable…there was more chaos…I felt a little lost.
Did I freak out in Hawaii because I didn’t know what I wanted (more on that in a coming post)? Because people had introduced doubt? Because I was questioning my intuition?
Or was it because I didn’t know what would happen next? I knew what I wanted. But I hadn’t figured out…or hadn’t clearly visualized…what our life together would look like after the “I dos”. Would we be in Indianapolis or Boulder? And if in Indy, for how long? I was starting two businesses…in Indy…so why was I even dreaming of moving out of the City? So many questions and so few answers.
All the sudden my dreams and the reality I was creating didn’t align as neatly as it had. All the sudden I couldn’t be specific about what I wanted because I wasn’t sure. And if I couldn’t be sure about what I’m asking for, how can the Universe possibly begin to give it to me? Hence, no more manifesting. Hence, judging and critiquing. Hence, this assumption of perfectionism and control.
Is it really about being a perfectionist…or in control…or judging myself? Or is simpler than that…bigger than that?
Could it be that I’m living more in my masculine energy than my feminine energy right now? That the reality of my life is that I’m focused on putting together plans and processes with the start of nesha and Amana…being goal oriented with my businesses and this certification…establishing boundaries for myself and the puppies I’m working to train…trying to problem solve how everything is going to fit together and get accomplished? All incredibly masculine traits.
As I think back to when I left my job and this summer, I very much existed in my feminine…what choice did I have? The feminine is about going with the flow…not having boundaries…being non-linear…existing in the unknown…being comfortable in chaos…living with and in mystery. That was pretty much my life. I had no clear idea of what I was doing or going to do other than I wanted to manifest a partner. And through the course of doing so I managed to land (pun intended) a job teaching yoga on the water…almost every day. And water is the ultimate symbol of feminine energy.
Conversely, as I look at my life over the past couple of months…probably since October when Amy and I decided to go into business together…all that has shifted. The paddle board classes stopped…so no more daily dose of water…and I moved into business mode.
All the sudden I needed to to be much more logical…to the point in my communications…goal oriented…using my intellect to make decisions…purposeful with my actions…establishing boundaries for myself and those around me. I needed information so I could solve problems.
As I was thinking about this, I realized that that masculine energy had also carried over into my yoga (a very feminine energy exercise). I wanted feedback on how I was teaching…and in my head, I used that feedback to compare myself with other teachers…the ultimate masculine energy – competition.
Maybe this is why the shamans told me to sit with this notion of perfectionism. Maybe it’s because I’d eventually stumble upon the bigger issue…the ultimate battle. I don’t feel like it’s as simple as a struggle between my ego (masculine) and my intuition (feminine). It’s a much larger battle of masculine energies vs feminine energies and where I’m spending most of my time.
So…where to go from here…