Day 337: The Hawaii story

IMG_1601I mentioned in an earlier post that eventually I’d write about what happened in Hawaii.  Each day I wonder if today is the day I’m going to write about it…because there’s something inside me that needs to get it out…so today might as well be the day.

Maybe once I release it, it’ll stop hanging around…taking up space…intruding on otherwise pleasant thoughts.

It’s no secret I didn’t enjoy Maui.  It was too expensive for nearly the exact same scenery that I can get in Mexico.  It took too long to get there…compared to how quickly I can get to Mexico.  And people weren’t nearly as friendly as they are in….wait for it…Mexico.

I think the people that love Hawaii, fall in love with the mystic and the traditions.  I’m not in love with either.  Never have been and probably never will be.  So from the beginning, there was some funky juju hanging around.

As a recap, prior to jumping on the plane to elope, I was told by a dear friend that I didn’t need to go through with it if I didn’t want to.  That she was worried I was rushing into something.  That she feared he would become someone similar to a man she’d dated…a man who was tormented and tormented her.  All this coming from someone who had been around Mr. Universe twice.  Yes, twice.

That same week I was called in by my shamans so they could tell me my aura was dark…and they were concerned.  They said it could be stress from a number of things…I did have a lot going on…but they wanted me to know they cared about me and were there for me if I needed anything.  Anything.  Even if it had to do with Mr. Universe.

So as I embarked on what should be one of the happiest moments, I had all these words and intentions floating around in my head.  To say that they didn’t upset me would be impossible.  They settled into my brain and eventually made their way to my heart.

Like a dumbass I started reading Deepak’s book about synchrodestiny…and how there really are no coincidences.  How everything is a message from the Universe.  Oh yah…that’s the book I was reading…as I ran away to get married…after hearing concerns from not only a bestie but my shamans.  Talk about a total mind fuck!

As you can imagine, I watched Mr. Universe with a skeptical eye…listened to his words searching for confirmation of something…anything.  Confirmation that I was doing the right thing.  Confirmation that they were right in worrying about me.  Confirmation that I was…or wasn’t…crazy for marrying a man I hadn’t known for very long.

This was the first time in my life I felt like I had truly followed my heart without regard for what society would think or say, and I was making my way to a full fledged panic attack.  What if I couldn’t trust my heart???  What if it wasn’t really my heart that I’d been listening to??  What if…what if…what if…

There we were in paradise with just a couple of days before our wedding and all these crazy thoughts running around in my head.  They were so crazy I had no idea how I could possibly put them into words without sending Mr. Universe into a tailspin too.  In hindsight, talking about everything…their words and my fears…would have been a much better idea than how I ended up handling it.

Like anyone who has lived most of their life in their masculine energy, I kept it all to myself.  I shrugged it off with a joke or two.  I acted like it was no big deal and I wasn’t affected.  I tried to bury the fear externally while I desperately searched for answers before saying I do.

You might see where this is headed….

The day before our wedding, I cracked…over something insignificant.  My reaction seemed so unexpected that Mr. Universe didn’t know how to react and that just fueled my concerns…fears…fire.  Here I was at the eve of marrying this man and he didn’t know how to react??…or wasn’t reacting like I wanted him to…like I needed him to.  Instead of dissuading my fears, he fueled them.  He fueled them having no idea what was going on in my head.

Before I knew it, we were talking…technically, yelling…about not getting married.  Maybe we had rushed into things.  Maybe this wasn’t a good fit.  Maybe…maybe…maybe.  I was in free fall.  Trapped on an island I didn’t want to be on.  Not knowing who I could trust – myself included.  Alone.

When the tears started I couldn’t stop them.  So much fear…so much anxiety…so much emotion.  I felt like I was going crazy…and I was driving Mr. Universe crazy in the process.  Nothing he said or did made the situation better…because he didn’t really know what was going on.

My mind was reeling.  I couldn’t stop it.  Then my breath followed.  Everything was spinning yet moving in slow motion.  How.did.I.get.to.this.point.?

Finally, I told myself I had a decision to make.  I was either going to marry this man or I wasn’t.  I needed to figure out what was in my heart…and I needed to trust that.  Fuck everyone else.

I took turns saying each of the following statements to myself.  First, “I’m not going to marry him” and then I waited to see how it resonated in my body.  Then, “I want to marry him because I love him”.  Boom.  The tears stopped.  I caught my breath.  A warm, calm feeling came over my body.

Because I was stuck in my head, I did the experiment 2 or 3 more times.  Each time with the same result.  Finally, I knew what was in my heart.  I also knew that going forward with the wedding meant that I had to trust myself…and Mr. Universe.  As much as I value the feedback and opinion of friends, this was my life.  I needed to own it…every single piece of it.  If I made decisions with my heart, I wouldn’t go wrong.  So it was time to shut out the voices in my head.

But thanks to all the panic, I’d built a gigantic wall between us in just a few short hours and I needed to figure out how to tear down that wall.  How to rebuild trust.  How to regain the momentum I’d squandered.  I had now managed to plant a level of doubt in him that he…we…needed to overcome.  I had made a lovely mess…and the wedding was the next day.

Oh, did I mention it was also New Year’s Eve???  Such a horrible way to ring in a New Year.  My brain started to go there…you’re supposed to be ringing in the the New Year — your first New Year — with your future husband and it’s a train wreck.  Are you sure…..  Shut up!  

Maybe that was the point.  The vacation wasn’t perfect.  We didn’t like the island.  We had a massive blow out on New Year’s Eve.  The night before our wedding wasn’t this magical experience.  We were living life…fully engaged and present. Feeling every raw emotion as it came…and dealing with it.  Life isn’t easy so neither should this be.

As I thought back to my prior weddings, I realized I was numb.  I was distracted.  Not present.  This couldn’t be more opposite.  I was so present everything felt twice as loud…hurt twice as bad.  I had said I wanted to live out loud in technicolor…this was that!

By the time morning rolled around, I was exhausted and embarrassed.  It was my wedding day and I had the weighted feeling of spending way too many hours crying.  I had no idea what to expect for the day.  To Mr. Universe’s credit, he let it all go.  It was our wedding day…we’d made our way to the other side of the fight…we were getting married and he was happy.  I decided to let myself be happy too.

I think this is another example affirming that my issue isn’t about perfection.  That Hawaii experience would have pushed me over the edge if it was.  Nor is it about control because I was anything but in control  It’s about my battle between masculine and feminine energies.  The confirmation came the other day when I was studying archetypes and the ocean was referenced as the ultimate feminine energy.

I love the ocean – always have.  I didn’t get in the ocean in Hawaii until the day before we left.  Our hotel was on the beach for Pete’s sake.  There was no reason for me not to be in it…every day…except that energetically, it was too much.  The day I did get in it, I felt uneasy.  The energy of it felt dangerous…dangerous to my state of mind.

After writing Day 334, I talked to Mr. Universe about my hypothesis.  He agreed that it made a lot of sense…and we both agreed we wished I would have figured it out sooner.  🙂 I’m still working to be mindful of where I am…what energy I’m living from.  He understands that masculine energy is necessary and helpful in my business dealings.  And I understand that feminine energy is necessary and helpful in my marriage and when I’m teaching.  Together we are working to keep things balanced…open…communicative.

Without a doubt, I made the right decision marrying this man.  It’s not going to be a cake walk…but if it was, I wouldn’t appreciate it like I do.  xoxo

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