Eventually, I had to face facts. I had to admit the toll that allowing myself to be consumed by Mr. Universe’s well-being was taking on my well-being. Because just like he was making choices, so was I. I mean, not making a choice IS still making a choice.
The ungrounding experience of being married to an addict made it nearly impossible to commit any sustained focus on anything other than him. He could swing from clean, empowered and in control to inebriated and lacking the ability to carry on a conversation. Each time he would bottom out, we would have a “come to Jesus” resulting in his recommitment to getting clean…which could mean anything from total abstinence to setting defined limits like no substances before 8pm (yeah, we tried that one more times than I care to admit).
Life became a continuous negotiation. But it wasn’t necessarily just me negotiating with him. In fact, it was probably more about me negotiating with myself. What did I want? What was I hoping for? What was I willing to settle for? What did I deserve? What could I forgive?
And for each question I contemplated for myself, I did the same for and about him. Expending enormous amounts of energy trying to guess what he was thinking and feeling. Trouble is, the main goal of an addict is to numb, self-soothe, so they don’t to think or feel.
Despite knowing on some level that the odds were stacked against me and most likely never to be in my favor, I would optimistically hope that the latest negotiation would be the magic pill to turn everything around. To bring sobriety and peace to Mr. Universe and forgiveness from me.
You see, dealing with an addict is complicated. Nothing is black and white. Everything is gray. Which is exactly how I found myself feeling most days…gray. My spark for life was on hold…just like my breath. I was experiencing life in that pause just after a deep inhale but before the sweet relief of the exhale. Filling myself with the hope that this time he’d be able to stay clean…that this time I’d be able to forgive him for all the previous times…but not trusting enough to allow myself to sigh into a space of peace nor trust.
The majority of my energy was spent navigating my marriage and his dis-ease. Trying to eliminate as many triggers for Mr. Universe as I could, while also working to not be a trigger myself. Turns out all that is a lot of work. I was exhausted. He was exhausted. We were exhausting each other…while also triggering the shit out of one another. It was a downward spiral that neither of us could stop. Until we did.
In just a few years, I had gone from this expansive, anything is possible feeling to the sad realization that I had boarded the Titanic and we were heading straight for an ice burg. That sinking feeling I had…it was real. That feeling that there was nothing I could do about it…also real.
You see, my marriage was a real life example of what happens when you marry your karma card (itiskismet.com). No one but the energy is in control…and even it just wants to play itself out and move the fuck on.
hired a business coach claiming to be an ascended master reincarnate with a seat on the Council of 12 (lots more on all that later),
experienced psychological warfare (yes, it’s a real thing that can apparently happen to real people),
rebranded a business that didn’t need rebranding (see bullet #1),
opened a consulting business with my con man business coach,
traveled to LA to meet my con man business coach in person and was black magic gypsy mind fucked (dude.),
worked on a project to build an artificial intelligence platform that was all about mind control (that’s right, I said mind control),
hired two chefs to open a restaurant that never happened,
invested in a manuscript for a movie that hopefully never happens (again, see bullet #1 and #2),
experienced a level of exhaustion that can only be compared to being a lead zombie in The Walking Dead,
lost all ability to feel joy and the desire to consume much more than Vega shakes at every meal (food is our most intimate relationship and a reflection of mental health),
was fired and repeatedly threatened to be fired by my business coach for not working hard enough (say what?!? I hired you, MFer!),
finally fired said business coach after realizing he was a con man and working with black magic and using psychological mind control techniques (really can’t make this shit up, folks),
shut down my newly rebranded business because it was built on the advice of a con man,
paid my ex, Mr. Not-so-fucking Universe, to go big bang himself (y’all were right but hey, he was my karma card),
spent TWO WHOLE MONTHS puzzling and coloring because I couldn’t manage to do anything else after dealing with all that above shit and needed to re-wire my brain,
sold my house and moved out of the state I had lived in my entire life.
It’s funny how phrases can get stuck in your head…and then take on a life of their own. For example, I’ve had the phrase “It’s a match” rolling around in my head for a while now but somewhere along the line it started sounding a lot like The Target Lady from SNL. You know, she says “It’s approved”… and sometimes “It’s a match”.
Maybe this will help to jog your memory?
Anyway, this whole matching thing has been coming up with my coach AND in my coaching business (www.corporatecandy.coach) AND as I sort out my feelings surrounding my marriage/divorce. Uuuuuuuuuggggggghhhhhhh…..!
I’ve been trying to be really aware of the words I use to describe what went wrong in my marriage. So aware, in fact, that I’ve started to notice patterns in the words and phrases I use to describe situations and people outside my marriage.
Case in point, for the past couple of weeks I’ve found myself talking about how my marriage (and working with my coach) felt like a full time job.
How both my husband (during our marriage) and now my coach seem to take up a lot of time and space (aka energy) in my life.
Funny thing, I met my husband a couple months after quitting my corporate job…and the transition out of corporate life was a lot harder than expected. I mean, all the sudden my time was my own. I didn’t have something filling 8-10 hours every day…until I did. My “new job” was dating and eventually marrying Mr. Universe.
Fast forward to a few months ago. Mr. Universe had moved out and I was face-to-face with the sobering realization that (yet another) marriage was over. As I sat at my table wondering “What’s next?!?”, I get a message from my soon-to-be coach wanting to explore how we might be able to work together. Harmless enough right?
I mean, I was sitting there…thinking “There has to be more. Should I go back to work? Should I move? Am I really going to spend the rest of my life alone?” And just like that, I energetically called in a life / career coach.
Just like I’d done with Mr. Universe, I called in another full time job. Something/one to fill my day with. Someone to make me work…to make me do my work.
I missed the clues with Mr. Universe. Lessons of the heart are so much harder to grasp because…well…the heart is involved. Love is a powerful emotion and logic, rational thinking flies out the window.
But with my coach, it was so much easier to connect the dots. Well, I mean, it did still take a couple of months.
Rather than sit by myself and face the music, I had again called in someone to distract me from me. Only this time, the universe answered with a power hitter. Someone whose intention wasn’t at all to distract me from myself but to hold up a giant clear fucking mirror to reflect that shit right back. Uuuuuuuuuggggggghhhhhhh…..!
I have to say, though, it’s working. Do I like what I see? Some days. Do I like what I feel? Some days. Is doing this work a full time job? Every fucking day.
So, as mad as I am to be going through another divorce, I have no one to blame but myself. I manifested the lessons I needed to learn. Did I do so in the healthiest way? More on that another time…
In the meantime, I’ve got a new job. Me. And it’s a match!
It’s been a hot minute…ok, so it’s been nearly 3 years…since I wrote a post. To say a LOT has happened would be an understatement! I’ve contemplated writing about it on a number of occasions but the time didn’t feel right…until now.
Let’s start with why now, first.
Well, today is my 45th birthday!!!! Happy fucking birthday to me! It’s crazy to say, write, hear, read. My body doesn’t feel like I imagined 45 would feel…nor does my life look like I thought it would.
I remember when my mom turned 45. No offense, Mom, but that seemed sooooo old at the time. It wasn’t that she was old. It was more that 45 seemed like such a milestone…and so far away. Well, #milestoneachieved and #thefutureisnow
Granted I’ve only been 45 for about eight hours as of the penning of this post, but so far so good. I’m all-around healthier than I’ve been my entire life! Here are some of the highlights…
In March I stopped eating meat, which feels amazing! I’ll probably write more about that at some point because the experience of suddenly realizing I couldn’t eat meat anymore after eating it at nearly every meal for 40+ years was pretty wild. (I do still eat some fish, mainly shrimp and scallops, oh and eggs….so I’m probably more pescetarian, than vegetarian, for now.)
I’ve started two more businesses, closed one down and have started the process to transform another into something pretty amazing, if I do say so myself. Got myself a career/life/spiritual coach (even though he hates the word “coach”).
Found two amazing spiritual guides from Sedona that helped me to get grounded & elevated (yes, at the same time) and on the right track so I could be in the right place to meet my “coach”.
I’ve also been working out nearly every day….a combination of cardio, weight training and yoga. I’ve been working with a holistic chiropractor, myofascial release therapist and getting massages much more regularly than I used to. This coupled with a healthier diet…and I feel damn near unstoppable.
So, now for the biggest update…I’m getting divorced, again. This…this there is a lot to write about and I will. But for now, know that this is the right decision for both of us. Life is far too short and too great an experience to be unhappy…to spend the majority of your time trying to force something. I can honestly say I’ve learned more about what I’m capable of in this relationship than in any other my entire life.
I don’t feel like a failure…or broken…or unworthy of love…or any of that bullshit people project on the ending of a relationship. In fact, I feel empowered! I finally got to a place where I love myself enough to do what I need with integrity (that’s key). And to know on a much deeper level the type of relationship I want to foster.
I’m pretty freaking stoked about what’s coming. In cardology (check out http://www.itiskismet.com), your 45th birthday is the same as your 1st. It’s like starting your life all over…but with the wisdom and experience of the previous 44 years. #score
And to show you just how excited I am, I’m going to start writing again. Not on a daily basis but more than once every 3 years. 😉 Probably weekly or so…but definitely when I feel there’s something to share. And I plan to live a life worth sharing!
Here’s to 2018…turning 45…and being fancy as fuck!