It’s funny how phrases can get stuck in your head…and then take on a life of their own. For example, I’ve had the phrase “It’s a match” rolling around in my head for a while now but somewhere along the line it started sounding a lot like The Target Lady from SNL. You know, she says “It’s approved”… and sometimes “It’s a match”.
Maybe this will help to jog your memory?
Anyway, this whole matching thing has been coming up with my coach AND in my coaching business (www.corporatecandy.coach) AND as I sort out my feelings surrounding my marriage/divorce. Uuuuuuuuuggggggghhhhhhh…..!
I’ve been trying to be really aware of the words I use to describe what went wrong in my marriage. So aware, in fact, that I’ve started to notice patterns in the words and phrases I use to describe situations and people outside my marriage.
Case in point, for the past couple of weeks I’ve found myself talking about how my marriage (and working with my coach) felt like a full time job.
How both my husband (during our marriage) and now my coach seem to take up a lot of time and space (aka energy) in my life.
Funny thing, I met my husband a couple months after quitting my corporate job…and the transition out of corporate life was a lot harder than expected. I mean, all the sudden my time was my own. I didn’t have something filling 8-10 hours every day…until I did. My “new job” was dating and eventually marrying Mr. Universe.
Fast forward to a few months ago. Mr. Universe had moved out and I was face-to-face with the sobering realization that (yet another) marriage was over. As I sat at my table wondering “What’s next?!?”, I get a message from my soon-to-be coach wanting to explore how we might be able to work together. Harmless enough right?
I mean, I was sitting there…thinking “There has to be more. Should I go back to work? Should I move? Am I really going to spend the rest of my life alone?” And just like that, I energetically called in a life / career coach.
Just like I’d done with Mr. Universe, I called in another full time job. Something/one to fill my day with. Someone to make me work…to make me do my work.
I missed the clues with Mr. Universe. Lessons of the heart are so much harder to grasp because…well…the heart is involved. Love is a powerful emotion and logic, rational thinking flies out the window.
But with my coach, it was so much easier to connect the dots. Well, I mean, it did still take a couple of months.
Rather than sit by myself and face the music, I had again called in someone to distract me from me. Only this time, the universe answered with a power hitter. Someone whose intention wasn’t at all to distract me from myself but to hold up a giant clear fucking mirror to reflect that shit right back. Uuuuuuuuuggggggghhhhhhh…..!
I have to say, though, it’s working. Do I like what I see? Some days. Do I like what I feel? Some days. Is doing this work a full time job? Every fucking day.
So, as mad as I am to be going through another divorce, I have no one to blame but myself. I manifested the lessons I needed to learn. Did I do so in the healthiest way? More on that another time…
In the meantime, I’ve got a new job. Me. And it’s a match!
It’s been a hot minute…ok, so it’s been nearly 3 years…since I wrote a post. To say a LOT has happened would be an understatement! I’ve contemplated writing about it on a number of occasions but the time didn’t feel right…until now.
Let’s start with why now, first.
Well, today is my 45th birthday!!!! Happy fucking birthday to me! It’s crazy to say, write, hear, read. My body doesn’t feel like I imagined 45 would feel…nor does my life look like I thought it would.
I remember when my mom turned 45. No offense, Mom, but that seemed sooooo old at the time. It wasn’t that she was old. It was more that 45 seemed like such a milestone…and so far away. Well, #milestoneachieved and #thefutureisnow
Granted I’ve only been 45 for about eight hours as of the penning of this post, but so far so good. I’m all-around healthier than I’ve been my entire life! Here are some of the highlights…
In March I stopped eating meat, which feels amazing! I’ll probably write more about that at some point because the experience of suddenly realizing I couldn’t eat meat anymore after eating it at nearly every meal for 40+ years was pretty wild. (I do still eat some fish, mainly shrimp and scallops, oh and eggs….so I’m probably more pescetarian, than vegetarian, for now.)
I’ve started two more businesses, closed one down and have started the process to transform another into something pretty amazing, if I do say so myself. Got myself a career/life/spiritual coach (even though he hates the word “coach”).
Found two amazing spiritual guides from Sedona that helped me to get grounded & elevated (yes, at the same time) and on the right track so I could be in the right place to meet my “coach”.
I’ve also been working out nearly every day….a combination of cardio, weight training and yoga. I’ve been working with a holistic chiropractor, myofascial release therapist and getting massages much more regularly than I used to. This coupled with a healthier diet…and I feel damn near unstoppable.
So, now for the biggest update…I’m getting divorced, again. This…this there is a lot to write about and I will. But for now, know that this is the right decision for both of us. Life is far too short and too great an experience to be unhappy…to spend the majority of your time trying to force something. I can honestly say I’ve learned more about what I’m capable of in this relationship than in any other my entire life.
I don’t feel like a failure…or broken…or unworthy of love…or any of that bullshit people project on the ending of a relationship. In fact, I feel empowered! I finally got to a place where I love myself enough to do what I need with integrity (that’s key). And to know on a much deeper level the type of relationship I want to foster.
I’m pretty freaking stoked about what’s coming. In cardology (check out http://www.itiskismet.com), your 45th birthday is the same as your 1st. It’s like starting your life all over…but with the wisdom and experience of the previous 44 years. #score
And to show you just how excited I am, I’m going to start writing again. Not on a daily basis but more than once every 3 years. 😉 Probably weekly or so…but definitely when I feel there’s something to share. And I plan to live a life worth sharing!
Here’s to 2018…turning 45…and being fancy as fuck!
On the eve of my last post, my heart is a bit heavy. I’m sad for all the arguments that are ensuing between friends, family, and fellow citizens because of the need to legislate bigotry in the state I’ve called home my entire life.
That’s right. I’ve never lived anywhere else but Indiana. Not because I didn’t want to or wasn’t willing, but mainly because I didn’t need to. Everything I needed…everything I wanted…I found right here. In a state that many have never visited. In a state folks refer to as “a fly over state”, meaning you don’t go there to visit…you fly over it on your way to someplace else. In a state with so many hidden gems we kinda liked keeping it all to ourselves.
While we don’t have mountains or the ocean, we do get to experience the four seasons in all their glory thanks to so many different variety of trees and flowers and vegetation. We love our sports…especially watching them. And welcome hundreds of thousands of visitors every year for some of the greatest spectacles in sports you’ll ever see.
We’re such gracious hosts there’s a name for it, “Hoosier Hospitality”. Yet, we’ve come to a point where we’ve lost sight of how to be hospitable to our neighbors. The very people that choose to live next to us. To raise their families here. To stimulate the economy on a daily basis. To give back to communities that give to them…until yesterday.
For some reason, our legislators felt the need to legislate the right for a business to refuse service to someone due to their religious beliefs. Who is “their” in that sentence…doesn’t matter. If the business claims one set of beliefs and the customer claims another, well, it’s anyone’s guess if you’ll be welcomed.
Here’s the thing that stuck me last night. Some have decided to take the Bible and throw it on the ground so they can use to stand on. To feel a little taller…a little more superior…than someone else. If it’s so clear that the Bible doesn’t support gay marriage, then why are there some religious people that accept it? Why are there religious people that are actually gay? Why isn’t this a black and white debate? And by black and white, I mean why doesn’t everyone that claims to read the same Bible feel that it says the same thing?
I’ll tell you why. Because the Bible is a collection of stories that use an old language we don’t use anymore filled with metaphors that we don’t necessarily understand or interpret the same way. Think about your every day dealings with the people around you. How many times have you walked away from a discussion with someone and each of you has a different interpretation of what happened? Ever hear the saying “There are three sides to every story. Your side, my side, and the truth.”?
That’s what we do when we start talking about beliefs and interpretations of the Scriptures. We believe that what and how we read something will be the same for everyone reading the Book. But that isn’t the case. Every person reads…hears…sees…from their perspective. That perspective is clouded with what they carry in their heart….fear…hate….love…compassion….indifference…
The fact that we’ve arrived at a place in time that as a state we feel we need to legislate based on religious bigotries breaks my heart. I’ve never called myself a religious person because there’s always seemed to be more fear and hate around the word than I was comfortable with.
I prefer to call myself spiritual. I prefer to believe in a loving God that wants the best for his flock…that loves and is compassionate. That challenges us to be better people…people that respect each and every human. People that believe we are all made in the image of God – regardless of our shortcomings or differences or mistakes. None of us are expected to be perfect or fit into a specific mold. We are simply expected to do our best and live a life of compassion for all things around us. I guess I’ve adopted a bit of a Buddhist philosophy to my spiritual beliefs.
I’ll never understand why a human would want to live their life denying another human of anything. We are all connected. We are all of one consciousness. When you deny another, you are really denying yourself.
I don’t understand why we can’t simply be kind to strangers…to loved ones…and most importantly, ourselves…
My New Year’s Resolution for 2014 was to stop judging so much. As a result, I coined the phrase #factnotjudging, because sometimes you just have to be able to call a spade a spade. And that’s what I feel like doing today.
I’m not judging…there’s plenty of people doing that these days…no, I feel the need to call a spade a spade. Specifically, some narrow-minded, scared, uneducated, backwood Indiana legislators and the ignorant people they represent. Because whether I’m allowing myself the leeway to judge someone or something, doesn’t mean I have the right to…in any way…impose limits on their rights…on their rights as humans.
Whether I believe in gay marriage…whether I believe in inter-racial marriage…whether I believe in the right for someone to alter their gender in name, dress, or even surgically…which I do!…doesn’t matter.
Whether I believe that everyone should have the religious freedom to pray to whatever makes them a better person…whether I think the assumption that a man should be paid more has anything to do with the fact that men are making the rules and are scared of how smart we women really are…whether I think the color of a person’s skin doesn’t make them more or less likely to commit a crime – that it’s their socioeconomic status that most likely does…whether or not I think your judgement of another human is because you secretly hate some part – or all – of yourself…which I do!…doesn’t matter.
It doesn’t matter what I carry in my heart any more than it matters what you carry in your heart. It only matters what you think or how you judge when your beliefs start limiting someone else’s rights. When your beliefs start to position one type of person as better than another. When your beliefs give you rights and benefits and advantages that are purposely withheld from another. That is when it matters.
When that starts to happen, someone needs to start asking why? How are any of us that different from one another? Why should the color of someone’s skin…the amount of cash in their bank account…the god they pray to…the person they love…who or how they have sex…matter????
Why do YOU give a shit about any of that? Are you really that scared??? Do you think you’re going to “catch” being black…or poor…or a member of some other faith…or gay??? Are you really that stupid? (#factnotjudging)
The people that claim they have the right to judge because of their religious beliefs…the people that claim they have a right to refuse service to someone or discriminate because of religious beliefs…the people that do anything to limit, hurt, or stand above another human being and do so in the name of a religious belief…To those people I would like to politely remind that it’s not your job to judge another human’s worth. It’s not your God given right to decide who is good…worthy…better.
You weren’t nominated by God…or whoever you believe in…to make any of those decisions. That’s way beyond your pay grade, even if you’re a man making a higher wage than me. You still didn’t qualify for that promotion.
If you want to talk to people to find out why they act, feel, love the way they do, fantastic. I’ll even go so far as to say that I’m ok if you want to try and talk someone out of acting, feeling, loving a certain way. I think debate is healthy. I think arguing your point…making your voice heard…is your right.
But when you retaliate against someone that isn’t exactly like you…or exactly like you want them to be…or exactly that you wish you were (because we all know you aren’t perfect either), that’s when you’ve crossed the line. When you start to treat others differently than how you expect to be treated, that’s when you’ve placed yourself…your needs…your wants…your fears…above those of another human. And that’s when I have a problem with you.
I’m not a socialist. I don’t think everyone should be rich. I do think, though, that everyone…every single person in the entire world…should have the right to be rich. Whatever “rich” means to them. I think that every single person in the entire world has the right to be free…to love…to worship…to marry…to shop…to [fill in the blank] because like me…like you…they are human. And that makes every single one of us equal.
It’s time we stop hating so much and learn to be a bit more tolerant of things we don’t understand. Different does not equal bad, people. #factnotjudging